Unforgivable Silence

243

[TW||this chapter has descriptions of self harm towards the end, "-" indicates where it starts and ends.]

Sunday, November 29th, 2020

I can't help but feel lonely. The days go by slow until I look back at them when I'm failing to sleep. Only then, do I see how short they actually are.

___

I opened my eyes to bright light pouring in through the glass door-the closest thing to a window in my tiny room. Almost instinctively, I searched for my phone, and skipped my music a few songs back so I could listen to something while I come back to life. While one of my current comfort songs, Line Without a Hook, blasted through my ears, I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes. It wasn't because of the song, just something that I couldn't control.

After an hour of scrolling through social media, I got up.

"Fuck." I cursed under my breath, something I seem to do often. I checked my phone again, 2:00pm. God damnit, why does this only happen on Saturdays?

___

I've said a total of 10 words all day. The rest was just hums and other barely audible sounds to signify that I heard what was said. I found myself once again, in my room. Not doing anything in particular. Can't sleep, can't eat, I don't feel like talking to people. I glanced over to where I have pills stashed. I need to wait, it's the least I can do.

___

I scrolled through Instagram absentmindedly. I was holding up part of a conversation with Addy and Mak. But it was getting painfully boring. I just want to sleep. To be gone. God, I don't even deserve to kill myself. I'm a scum. I'm useless. I let those thoughts poison my brain. They rattled throughout my skull.

It was around 10:00pm, when I'd officially not leave my room for the rest of the night. The time that I had a love-hate relationship with. This time used to hold purpose, it was when I'd play games with my online friends. People who knew the most of me. But now I don't find those games fun. Nothing's fun. It's just me, my toxic mind and my music.

-
I wonder what it'd be like to start dating again, I know it'll have to be temporary. But it'd be fun to have purpose. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But I don't talk to them much. I quickly feel like I'm bugging them, or they don't want to talk to me, or-.

I felt my hand search for my old phone, I know it's here somewhere. I picked it up at the same time that I sat up in my bed. I peeled off it's thin, broken case and stared at what I was left with. Three glass shards, and a fresh blade. I picked up the blade, it was the newest addition. Last time I used it I passed out from blood loss. But truly, what could happen?

I lifted the blade up my arm and sliced it down with all the force I could manifest. I watched as the blood flooded the wound. Again. The words that the voice demanded echoed through my skull. I lifted the blade again, studying my leg carefully. Letting it drop, I started a pattern. Not enough blood. The voice that was supposed to be my brain bellowed. I fell into my regular pattern, it was the only pattern thing in my life.
-

I swiped a couple notifications away and stared at the ceiling. A song that I couldn't care less about blared through my earbuds. I clenched my blanket more as my leg ached.

"Damn," I huffed quietly.

Still grasping at the blanket, I felt myself finally pass out. Finally.