Pick Up The Pieces

I'm Running on Spite and Anger

Adrian ~

"I think you still love me, but we can't escape the fact that I'm not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen."

I'm Running on Spite and Anger

Waking up has never been my favorite part of the day. Turning over, I breathe out, annoyed at the way the sunlight is filling my room and raising the temperature by far too many degrees. Reaching over to my nightstand, I fumble with the remote until I can turn the AC on, and then sigh in relief when I can feel the cool air filling the room.

It's Sunday. I have absolutely nowhere to be. Burying my face into the pillow, I try to keep my brain still for a few seconds and enjoy the comfort of my bed. It's huge; a queen. Ximena and I never had twin beds, because my mother scoffed at that. They're too small, she said. You need more room than that to sleep.

The queen is huge. In my opinion, too big for just me, but it was great when there's someone hanging out in bed with you.

Nap dates are a thing. I don't make the rules.

It happened on accident. I wasn't feeling super great, and Cas had a few tests that day, so we were both exhausted. He pulled me into bed to lie down with him. Just until he falls asleep, he had said. But I ended up falling asleep too.

We didn't wake up until my dad came home and went banging on my door, asking me to make dinner.

My heart didn't stop racing for the rest of the night.

Needless to say, nap dates after that only happened when Dad was out of town or when we were at Cas's.

Being without Cas, it's weird. Weirder than I thought it was going to be. I had gone through sixteen years of my life without needing him, but sometimes I want to talk to him or tell him something or ask a question and then I remember, and my world just feels so empty without him.

And, that's it. No way I'm going to be able to fall asleep now.

Dragging myself out of bed, I yawn and stretch, pulling on a hoodie before I start to make my bed, situating all of the pillows and tucking the corners in. A quick glance at my clock tells me it's just past 8 in the morning, and I roll my eyes.

Nobody needs to be awake at 8 on a Saturday. Cracking the door, I peek into Ximena's room to see if she's up and what she wants for breakfast, but she's still asleep. Deep sleep, mouth open and everything. She's clutching a stuffed penguin to her chest. I make a mental note to make sure she washes it; she hasn't since Cas gave it to her.

He still manages to find a way to be so present in my life, even though it does nothing but make the hole he's left behind so much bigger.

I try not to think about him. Just generally, him. Us. It never ends well. There are so many things I miss about him, and just about everything we've done together. I never realized how good it was to just be with someone. There wasn't anything expected of either of us. I was just happy to exist with him.

That just makes me question how the hell something so beautiful became so terrible. We were good. I was daring to let myself think of a future and a forever with this person. The thought freaked me out, but I was still thinking about it. And it was good. How it might have happened, what we might have been.

Then I just get angry at myself, for reacting so badly to him just trying to help me and then for being too scared to even try and fix it. I'm too terrified to deal with that fear, and it resulted in me losing someone I care about. Again.