Pick Up The Pieces

Today on Dr. Phil: A Liar

Today on Dr. Phil: A Liar

How much sugar can one person consume without completely eroding their teeth?

After Cas brought me that stupid bag of lollipops, I've been using them pretty much constantly. I never smoked at school, because no matter what movies tell you, you would get caught if you smoked on campus, but the urge was always there.

It went from needing one to sleep every few days to needing half a pack a day just to calm myself down enough to breathe. What a fucking oxymoron. I need cigarettes to breathe.

So I've had a lollipop in my mouth pretty much constantly this past week. I hate to admit it, but I think that it's actually working. He's taken to texting me every night. I guess he figured out that's when I need them the most.

[Cassiel]: No smoking.

i'll try

And I have. I've been trying.

Even if that means I'm going to have thirteen cavities the next time I go to the dentist.

My fingers start twitching for a cigarette again, but I clench my jaw and try to pay attention to whatever Dr. Linfield is droning on about.

Screw it. Cas will just teach it to me after school today. Dr Linfield actually likes him. The man who hates everything and everyone still couldn't find it in him to hate Cas.

I'm not saying he's perfect. Far from it, actually. He's so freaking neurotic it would probably annoy me if it wasn't so endearing. He's a perfectionist and will spend hours trying to get everything exactly right. The way he twists his lips when he's concentrating or thinking too hard is probably one of my favorite things about him. Not that I could pick. He's good at everything except driving.

That's all surface shit, though. That's all things that I appreciate, but it isn't what makes him so awesome. He listened. He was there for me through my entire meltdown, and he stayed after.

And he cared enough to do something about it.

He saw me at my worst and not only did he stay with me after, but he helped me pick up the pieces of whatever was left of me.

I can't help myself. How does anyone not like him?

That isn't the issue. It's not that I don't know how I feel about him, because I think he's the coolest person I've ever met. I just know that I can't be with him.

Cas is so beautifully pure. I'm not saying that he has the perfect life, or whatever, because I don't think that really exists. Shit has happened to him. Everyone has a little bit of trauma. But he has a good life and a great future. He works for things and gets what he wants. Blazers. Honors student. Lawyer parents and set for a future in law.

Me, on the other hand? Bad luck follows me around like it's my shadow. I've been so caught up in my head lately and just screwing up everything in my life. I can't fuck him up like that. I won't be able to stop myself from liking him, but I can stop myself from ruining him.

I'm also pretty certain he'd never talk to me again if he found out I like him.

Not to mention, I have absolutely no idea what Dad would say if he found out that I'm anything less than his golden boy that he can show off to all of his fancy lawyer friends.

A gay son. He'd probably hate me even more for that.

I sigh and dig into my bag for another lollipop, dragging it off of the stick and rolling it around in my mouth. I exhale slowly, the itch receding. I'm like Pavlov's freaking dogs. The bell rings, and I sigh, standing up to go to calculus.