Her Change

chapter 5

The letter

Dear brothers,

I normally found it hard to say all these pent up thoughts in my head but what better than saying it in a letter without having to deal with them. How long has it been since I last had a proper family day with you? How long has it been since we all got together and had a movie marathon followed by a huge family sleepover where we all camped in the living room? How long has it been since the last time you looked at my face and gently smiled before hugging me and saying the 3 simple words that would light up my world "I love you". How long? 

I spent nights crying trying to figure out what's wrong with me. What did I ever do to you? But it was never me, wasn't it? It was you guys who were just too caught up in the past. It was you guys who pushed me away but I couldn't show you how much it hurt me so I hid it behind a smile. I started attending even more activities at school and participating in charity work cause it would distract me and make me feel content. Sure not all of it was fake I really did like smiling at others and watch them become happier but only with you did it become fake. 

Through all the restless nights I stayed awake and wondered how weak was our love? Sure grief hits everyone in a different way so I let it go for a while until I realized that I couldn't rely on you guys to get things back to somewhat normal. Truthfully, it hurt. It hurt a lot how our love wasn't strong enough to get over this hurdle but I guess maybe we were destined to split our ways. It squeezed my heart how every month I would get a notification on my phone saying that £500,000 had been added to my account. I'm not criticizing but £500,000 seriously? How it pained that you gave me half a million pounds but could never give me your heart. You probably never thought that money would be the same money that would take me out of this suffocating house. 

Sometimes people would say how lucky I was to have brothers who would spend so much money on them but we knew the truth. It was just some guilt money to make me happy but it never did.  All I ever really wanted was someone to comfort me and hold me through the nights where I grieved over mom and dad's death. All I ever wanted was for my brothers to look me in the eyes and say "I've got you. You have me." but none of you ever did. 

There are a lot of things I have to say so I hid a few letters in the house. I could say this so freely is because I won't be coming back so don't look for me. 

Farewell, brothers. Farewell.