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I tended to apologize first. For everything. To my parents, for my rude behavior (even if I didn't believe what I was saying but it kept me from feeling that unspoken guilty feeling); to my friends if something ever went wrong; to him if we ever had an argument about some mundane thing. I would stop in the middle of the argument, walk up to him, give him puppy dog eyes, grab his arm, and wait for his jaw to unclench.
It always went that way. I would rather be the first to apologize than to risk a moment in our relationship where he didn't want me. And I guess this feeling translated into all my other relationships.
My friends used to tell me that I was so multidimensional it seemed like I had a split personality. Especially my friend Imama, who I had known forever. They would all say I had a soft heart that bent very easily to emotion, but a raging attitude that attracted people to my fire.
I liked being described this way. Fierce but malleable.
I didn't realize that my boldness wasn't strength, it was arrogance. And my malleability wasn't softness.
