Journals By Janae?

Release : The Beginning

I haven’t…. I haven’t written in over 3 months. I don’t know why. Now my thoughts are so blocked and surrounded by the gates of misery I’m not so sure I can let them out. I’m worried that what I’m writing now will be garbage. That what my professor calls my “halting style” will be the death of all future writing dreams and that just kills more of all the hope I pathetically tried to muster inside. I’m trying to escape my obvious lack of skill through metaphors. But what does it matter? It’s not like you’ll understand me anyway. It’s not as if you’ll read me anyways. So why try to get to the point with straight forwardness when I so much enjoy running around the bush? 

I’m scared no one will ever love me. I’m terrified that no one will ever truly understand. It’s insane. So illogical but just too close to almost accuracy that I actually rush towards the pain, because I’m not so sure I’ll ever be able to enjoy the pleasure. I take what I can get. Is that so wrong? Is it so weak to just want? To just want everything you can’t have to a point that you will yourself to pretend. Let’s just pretend you love me and we’re together. Let’s pretend you care about more than my virginity. Let’s pretend that when you hold me your mind whispers the love my heart bleeds out. I’m going to close my eyes and for a moment, just one insanely stupid moment, I’m going to pretend that when you leave me you actually think of me and not who’s next… who may be better. i just wanna pretend because facing reality is just to much to bear. It’s becoming way too much to take in and I just wish you could take some of it from me. I wish I could smooth this weight off with you. I wish I could breath a little more knowing that my flaws are accepted by you. That whatever I may become you will still love me. That whenever I may fuck up you’ll still look at me, and hold me, and tell me of the beauty within my eyes, even if this is only translated through the waves the travel through yours… When I pretend it all flows away. Everything feels so good and natural. Life’s truths still hurt, but it’s all just a little less. Is it so wrong to want to live in that bliss. Am I so weak? Yes. Because I can’t face reality. Science, the truth, scares the living shit out of me and I need you to be the light when I can’t stand the dark corners of unknown. 

I’m pathetic. So damn pathetic and I know it.