The Lion and The Llama: A Phan Love Story #Wattys2015

Chapter One

Hey guys, this is my first fan fiction, so please bare with me :) Suggestions are greatly appreciated, and please enjoy!

Oh, and just a small warning, there is some self harm in this chapter, but after some serious consideration, I decided that I did not want to have that in the book. I put the section that includes self harm in bold and with asterisks around it. This will be the only part that will contains self harm. Thanks! xD ~Nalan

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Dan's POV

I can not live here anymore. It was too much. I had lived here in London for a couple of years with my best friend, Phil. We had been best friends since I was 18. We have lived together for God knows how long. Those have been the best years of my life. For once, I had best friends.

Phil saved me. I was a mess before he came into my life. He introduced me to happiness. He introduced me to Youtube. He introduced me to a world where I was free. Or so I thought.

My name is Dan Howell. I am a youtuber who lives with my best friend, Phil Lester in London. And I have a couple secrets that could ruin everything.

First of all, I am gay. Secondly, I am in love with Phil. But why would he ever want to be with someone like me? I know I am ugly. Everyone thinks that, and it is true. I know Phil thinks it too. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. He probably just pities me. That is why he has stuck around for so long. But not anymore.

I slam my suitcase shut, wincing at the soreness of my arms. Oh yeah. That is the third secret. I cut. It makes me feel in control for once. It hurts, but it takes my mind off of Phil. I deserve it. I am worthless. No one loves me, but why would they?

Phil. With his gorgeous eyes, his hair, his laugh... Just him. He is so amazing. I chuckle in spite of my self. I love him, so I must leave. He will never love me.

A clatter from the kitchen startled me out of my thoughts. Phil.

Trying to speed walk to the kitchen as casually as possible, I try to figure out how to say goodbye to him without letting him know. If he found out before I left, he would ask questions. I can't have that. He would laugh at the thought of me being in love with him. I closed my eyes, trying to not cry. I was really. I am a ugly wimp.

Seeing Phil, I pasted a fake smile on my face. Usually, seeing him always makes me smile, but this time was different. It was the last time.
"Hey Dan!" Phil chirped as he saw me. "I am just making some lunch. You want some?" Considering this, I knew I was too fat and there was no way that I should eat more. I had food last night. It was fine.
"No thanks, Phil. I am good. Hey, after you are done eating, could you do me a favor?" I needed him out of the house for when I left. "I need something from P.J. that is at his place. Do you think you can get it for me?" I hated lying to him. Phil absentmindedly nodded his head and continue on cooking.

P.J. was one of our close friends, who also posts Youtube videos. He didn't have anything of mine. I thanked my lucky stars that Phil did not ask what P.J. had of mine. I had no back up plan, which may result in me having to stay longer. And I can't do this anymore.

Once he was away from the stove, I grabbed him in a bear hug. He didn't know it, but it was the last time that I would hug him. I left the kitchen, shaking. I needed to leave now.

*The sudden urge to cut ran through me. I needed to take my mind off of him. Running into the bathroom and locking the door, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. All I saw was a fat, ugly wimp. One who no one would ever love. Tears streamed down my face.
I wiped them away and reached down underneath the cabinet. I found what I was looking for. The pulled the razor out and lifted up my shirt. My arms were filled with scars, as were my legs. I started cutting when I was 18. I am 24 now.
I closed my eyes as the razor glided against my skin. I winced at the sharp pain, but did not make a sound.
Only one cut. No more. I cleaned up, and put a band-aid on the cut. I started to take out the razor with me to pack away when I stopped.*

No. I needed to stop. No more. I walked back into my room and pulled out a piece of paper and pen. I wrote. And wrote.
"Dan? I am heading out! See you later!" Phil yelled.
"Okay Phil! Bye!"I yelled back. The sooner he left the sooner I could leave also.
The door slammed shut and I waited ten minutes before grabbing my suitcase and letter. I placed the letter on Phil's bed, casting one last glance across the room. I put on my shoes and coat and left.
Calling a taxi, I realized I did not know where to go. My only choice at the moment was the airport. I had enough money. More than enough. When I got to the airport I stared at my choices of places to go. I turned off my phone because I knew I would get phone calls. Plus, I was going on a plane. Texting and calling people when we were on the plane was not be very ideal. Yeah. That would be my excuse. Not that I would talk to anyone who would care.
Tears threaten to over spill as I made my choice. I knew Phil- or anyone would look for me here.
Goodbye Phil. I love you. I always will.
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Heyo guys! Did you enjoy? If so please favorite and comment! Hopefully the second chapter will be coming soon! Also, high-five for over a thousand words! *High-fives laptop*
Love ya,
Nalan