Reflection | PJM

28| time

During the two months in Jimin's absence, you had a lot of time to face yourself.

You learned to cook a few recipes from the internet, started eating meals regularly, purchased a few plants that you water daily, and got callbacks for several shows.

Despite all this, you still feel lonely without Jimin. You see him on the news as the media praises his performances. He's so popular.

You shake your head, still doubting he would sacrifice his fame to stick around for you.

Nonetheless, you patiently await his return and miss him each day.

One random day, Namjoon calls your phone. You answer and get the niceties out the way.

"Y/N, last time we talked I don't think we ended on good terms."

You purse your lips. "Nope, we didn't."

"I'm sorry," he apologizes immediately. "We agreed that it was okay to fool around with other people while we're separated, and I shamed you."

You soften your expression, really listening.

He continues, "When I see you again, I'll make sure to cherish you like the queen you are. I'll make up for it."

"Joon, do you think things will pick up where we left off?"

"Of course."

"But...I've changed so much. I don't even know where to begin. My diet is normal again, and my dance career is picking up. When you left me I was in shambles."

"Are you blaming me for that?" he asks.

"No," you begin. "I just don't think I was my best self when I was with you."

You hear Namjoon take a deep breath on the other end. You bite a fingernail as you wait for his response.

"If I'm honest, I want to know what's so special about Jimin and what he must've done to make you believe I'm the bad guy."

You can't help but loudly snicker into the phone. "I never said you were the bad guy. Here you go making it about you and making me feel small."

"You lost your virginity to a stranger!" he shouts.

You ball your face up, stopping yourself from producing tears. "He knows me more than you ever tried to know. Why do you think I could never open myself to you?"

Namjoon sighs. "You're right. I shouldn't have said that. You can do what you want with your body."

You've had enough of this conversation. "One second you're like, 'my queen,' and then you insult me, then you apologize. What's wrong with you? Call me when you have your head on straight," you yell before hanging up.

Feeling disheartened at first, you reflect and commend yourself for ending that toxic conversation. You reflect on all the lessons you've learned over the past few months.

The biggest lesson you learned is to love yourself.

Fleeting thoughts soar through your head but you hold onto one that sparks an interest.

You go to the closet and roll out your luggage. It's not completely empty, as Namjoon's book selection resides inside.

You gather the books and dump them on the bed. You find sticky notes and gel pens and get to work.

You write positive messages and stick the notes in the books.

Things like, "You nice, keep going!" "I'm the one I should love," "You should be your light," and "Spread your wings."

You don't plan to reread these books and you'd like to pass them on to others who enjoy escaping the cruel world and diving into a world of fiction.

When you finish using all the sticky notes, you venture outside and search for safe spaces to leave the books.

You place one book inside a newspaper stand, hoping it'll be protected from the weather for long enough until a passerby picks it up.

The other books find homes on a random table in a cafe, inside a tube slide at the park, in a telephone booth, and the last one plainly left on the steps of the bookstore where it was initially purchased.

Things really do come full circle.