I Love You Phil

The Letter

To my special lion,

It breaks my heart writing this but it's for the best I leave, I know running away from my problems is stupid but im stupid. There is no point looking for me, I will be long gone by the time you read this.

I love you! I have since 2009 but I was scared of telling you, I didn't want you to hate me, to shout at me or leave me. I'm writing this because I cant hold it in anymore it hurts just how much I love you.

You have saved me so many times from depression to my endless amount of existential crisis's but now I don't think you can save me any more, not unless you were to love me.

I wish I was strong enough to carry on, to tell you how much I love you Phil. But I cant find the strength to hold myself together any longer. I wish I had your long arms around me, my head resting on your chest, your big hands playing with my hair. I wish I could call you mine.

I have been depressed too long, but you never noticed because I always blamed it as an existential crisis so you wouldn't get upset or worried about me. I am so sorry.

I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I know it will hurt for a while but I know it will get better lion! I know you will move on and forget about me, it should be easy I promise.

That big hug I gave you this morning as you left to go to your parents for the day? That was me secretly saying goodbye, feeling your arms around me protectively for the final time.

Philip Michael Lester, I love you so much.

This was the most fun I have ever had. Thank you for the best 6 years of my life.

Love, Dan

. . .

I place the letter on Phil's pillow next to lion. I gently pick up lion and squeeze it against my chest. "Lion, you need to look after Phil for me okay?" I say to the lion before putting him back down.

I take a deep breath and look around Phil's bedroom, a silent tear rolls down my cheek as I walk around and touch everything in sight, breathing in his scent. I take a jumper from his wardrobe and clutch it tightly. I put it on and decide to keep it. This will be the only memory of Phil I will have. "Goodbye Phil" I whisper hoarsely before leaving the apartment and locking the door for the final time. I place the keys through the letter box and start walking away. I know where I'm going...