So This is Christmas

Chapter 6

"It's wonderful to see you again, Anna."  Cole's aunt embraced me in a warm hug.  

"You too, Gwen," I replied sincerely.  Cole's aunt was very sweet and I'd always really liked her.  

As the house staff collected our coats, I took a glance around the crowded house, where the holiday party was in full swing.  Guests clad in formal attire mingled and chatted, while caterers offered trays of appetizers and flutes of champagne.  A man in a tuxedo played Christmas music on the grand piano off in the formal living room next to a gigantic, decked out Christmas tree.  

I shifted uncomfortably and smoothed out my burgundy evening gown.  Cole hooked his arm around mine.  

"We should go socialize," he murmured to me quietly.  

"Okay," I replied reluctantly, as he led me towards the dining room.  Cole's Aunt Gwen's holiday party was always a huge affair.  She was an affluent member of the community and a member of city council.  Prominent businesspeople and local politicians always attended.  This was the second year that I had come with Cole.  

I was grateful to be by Cole's side because he was excellent at small talk.  I stared at a spot on the floor while Cole talked to a couple who owned a local restaurant.  When the caterers passed by with a tray of champagne flutes, I gratefully took one and drank it faster than I should have.  

"Do you want to grab some food?" Cole offered, after we'd chatted with a few other guests.  

"I'm going to pass for right now," I answered.  My nerves were making my stomach queasy.  Cole helped himself to some shrimp and scallops while I awkwardly messed with my hair.  

"I can't wait until we get to host parties like this someday."  Cole grinned at me as he ate from his plate.  

"Yeah," I agreed vaguely, glancing around.  I couldn't imagine myself in a life where I'd host parties like this.  I hated even attending parties like this one.  I was only here for Cole and for his aunt because I liked her.  

"What's wrong?" Cole sensed my apprehension.

"Oh, nothing," I replied.  "I'm just not feeling too great."  It wasn't a lie.  I was starting to feel claustrophobic.  

"Do you need to sit down or something, sweetie?" Cole offered.  

"Maybe for a minute," I agreed.  Cole led me to an empty loveseat and we sat down.  I rested my head in my hands.  Cole put his arm around my shoulders.  

"You look beautiful tonight," he offered.  

"Thanks."  There was an awkward moment of silence as I watched the couples around us dancing to the piano music.  

"It seems like something is the matter."  Cole put his hand on my face to turn my gaze towards him.  "Talk to me, Anna."  I shifted my eyes towards the ground.  I spoke after a moment.

"I don't like this, Cole.  I don't like dressing up and making small-talk and trying to impress people."  

"You get used to it," Cole answered.  "It can be fun."

"I don't think I'll ever find this fun."

"Well, you'll at least learn to find it tolerable," he replied.  I frowned.

"What's the point in tolerating something like this if I don't want to do it?" I asked.  

"Because it's what we do.  This is what's expected of us."  

"Cole, honestly, I don't want this.  I'm here for you, but this isn't me."

"What are you saying, Anna?"

"I'm not sure."  I twisted my hands together awkwardly.  

"I'm going to be a lawyer.  You're going to be a scientist, or a professor.  We're going to be important figures in our community, where ever we end up.  And we're going to be doing things like this.  Don't you want to be well-liked?"

"I don't know if I care about any of that, Cole."  He stared at me, his eyes wide with shock.

"You're not being yourself tonight, Anna."

"I think I am finally being myself, and that's the problem."

"I don't understand."

"Cole, I don't think I can do this."  I drew in a deep breath.  "I don't think we should see each other anymore."  I looked up at him nervously as his jaw dropped.

"You can't mean that, Anna.  You're clearly having an off day or something.  We've been together for almost three years.  We can't throw all of that away just because you're uncomfortable at a party. "

"It's not just the party, Cole.  I've been feeling this way for a while."  I saw hurt in his eyes and I immediately felt guilty about what I was doing.

"Can we at least talk about this on our own when we're not in the middle of all these people?" he asked quietly.  

"Of course," I answered, realizing that I had chosen a bad time to tell him how I felt.  "Do you want to head out and we can talk?"

"I need to be here tonight, Anna."

"Well, I think I need to go home.  I'm really uncomfortable."

"I can't believe you're doing this to me right now!" Cole snapped coldly.  

"I'm sorry.  I just need to go."  I stood from the couch and started walking towards the foyer.

"Hey!" Cole grabbed my arm and jerked me around.

"What are you doing?" I hissed.  "Don't grab me like that!"  Cole's face turned crimson.  

"I'm sorry.  Anna, I'm so sorry.  Just please don't go."  I glanced around, thankful that we hadn't drawn anyone's attention.  I felt badly about what I did next, but I just couldn't keep up this act any longer.  

"I have to go, Cole.  I just have to."  When I turned to leave this time, he didn't follow.  I collected my coat and stepped out of the front door.  I drew in deep breaths of cold night air as I walked down the front steps to the sidewalk.  

The night was early.  I couldn't go home yet or my parents would know something was wrong.  And that was more than I could handle at the moment.  

I only knew one other place in town where I'd be welcomed.  And I really needed an ear to listen.  After only a moment's hesitation, I started walking towards Krist and Shelli's.