Sarah Paulson - ONE SHOT

loving you is my happy place

a/n - this one shot means a lot to me, i'm basically just venting and then adding sarahtonin. Thanks for all the interactions so far. It means the world.

946 words

TW - mental illness, ptsd.
mentions or sexual assault/abuse

flashback/nightmare - italics
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Her body was gently resting beside mine, soft noises left her slightly open mouth, indications of her body regenerating its overworked bones and tired muscles. She was a sight to behold - even with her sprawled hair and exhausted face she was immaculate. The rise and fall of her delicate chest reminded mine to thus rise and fall with hers connecting our hearts in euphoric rhythm. After grounding myself within her i reached for the leather bound diary on the stand beside me and the  battered fountain pen she'd gifted me on our first anniversary.

'Rest has been incomprehensible to me.
the nightmares are persistent and i've yet to find a successful remedy but 3am cigarettes and warm cups of tea are enough to subdue the intrusive thoughts of terror and fear.
What they don't tell you is trauma manifests into aching bodies and throbbing minds.
That my memory was jumbled into puzzle pieces with jagged lines not made to fit together but rather to just stay in line.'

She stirred, her elegant hands reached over for mine, almost like her mind had changed she instead reached across my stomach and pulled herself closer pushing her body against mine. A smile formed on her unconscious face and the warmth of our skin touching made her snuggle closer and relax once she was content, deciding against staying awake i discarded of my journal and embraced my love hoping to swiftly drift into a deep slumber.

I traced the outline of Peppa pip on my pink cartoon tights, the lights from my shoes flashed throughout the dark room a stripe of sunshine lay across my high school musical bed sheets. My hair tied into pigtails and wrapped in a baby blue silk band, my favourite colour for their favourite girl. With my eyes heavy, they began to close and i fell back against my bed.

My eyes rolled open, the same nightmare from every other night still vivid in my mind. We had decided to take a walk to the nearest park, the light thud of each step we took was the only sound that surrounded us. The smell of her sweet perfume hung to the forefront of my senses, a subtle vanilla with a hint of lavender, she called it her 'signature scent' whenever she wore it my mind would circle every moment we ever spent together, like the first night we slept in the same bed, her arms wrapped loosely around my waist and her light snore in the background or last night when she came back from work and slipped her arms loosely around my waist and placed her

nose against my nape making my hairs stand on end, within in minutes her light snore filled my ears. The park was empty so we roamed free in silence we did this often, walk around endlessly for hours until we'd settle in the same spot that overlooked a small pond where a layer of algae lined the outside of the water, there was never anything in the pond an empty puddle that was filled with pennies, seasons after seasons and this never changed apart from the fallen leaves in autumn that surrounded it, she'd

place her thumb over my knuckles rubbing back and forth, back and forth, every now and then she'd change the motion so her thumb would now circle each knuckle slowly so she could memorise each bump in my skin and each rivet of every bone, my eyes flickered

down and her hand that was held in mine was now is my view, her fingers were delicate and her skin was soft, her nails neatly clipped and flawlessly clean. I smiled and brought my eyes back up to which now was a pink painted room with posters of my little pony spread across the walls and a small white vanity stood just off centre to the room with the mirror directing in front of me, my hair was now separated into to two pigtails wrapped tightly with a baby blue sick ribbon, with anxious hesitation my head fall to the floor, to find his rough fingers tracing the outline on my Peppa pig tights, his nails often getting caught in the soft fabric with his fingers harshly pressed on the inside of my thighs as his thumb created the patterns around the images of my favourite TV personality - his pubescent body radiated sweat and harsh smells

of spray which the bottle labelled as manly, the stripe of sunshine was now highlighting his bruised white knuckles, the lights on my shoes made no difference now as it was just a blur in the background. His voice hissed through one ear and out through the other

"hey kiddo, I've had an exhausting day. lay back for me, will you?" my head eagerly hit the the soft mattress to please him and my eyes closed again.

Fear ripped through the air as my scream dissipated any chance of silence. Sarah's previously resting body sprung from the bed as mine retreated into the closest corner rocking itself back and forth, i had lost all control, i was now a spectator to my own pain unable to intervene.

"it's me sweetheart - i promise not to hurt you." she whispered loud enough to hear over my desperate cries. She'd always been good in times like this, she comforted me without saving me and stayed without making me feel guilty.

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a/n - i'm fully aware that this is much shorter than my previous ones but i hope you enjoyed this one shot - as much as one can enjoy this kind of writing. <3