Before I grew up I believed in all thing romantic and happily ever after. I believed that as long as I made the people around me happy I would be happy too, but I was wrong. Ever since I was little I have never stayed in the same place for more the 4 years and that was only once everywhere else has been 1, maybe 2 years max. I thought that giving my mum what she wanted would making me happy and that nothing could go wrong cause I was letting my mum, the women who brought me to life, would be happy and therefore I would be happy, but the thing is I can never be happy! My life is a mess! I am trying so hard to make sure everyone else around me is happy that I'm not. I'm falling to pieces. My family thinks that everything is perfect. That if I followed the path they made for me that my life would be complete and I wouldn't have to worry about anything. There was only one problem that road wasn't what I wanted and whenever I found away to get off of it I always ended back at the exact same place.
In this perfect life I'm suppose to stay at home and keep my mum happy, never disobey my grandad mother, leave my mother to fend for herself and move on with my life. But as everyone can see that always seems to contradict itself. No matter which fork in the road I take I end up circling back and taking other route. If my mums bit happy then I've disappointed her, if I do what's right for my mum my dad is disappointed. How am I supposed to cope in a world where no matter what I do I feel guilty and one of my parents hate me. No one sees the amount of stress I'm under. The job I just started makes me want to cry all the time no matter what. But after just dropping out of university I don't want to leave something else.
I still want to believe in the love of a fairy tale ad that one day someone will love me for all of me, but how will that happen when I can't even love myself. I don't know if I can keep on living my life the way I want to or do the things in life I would like. When I try to do what's best for me I can't cause I end up giving up, wether I'm amazing at it or completely shit at it. I was feel like the odd one out no matter where I go or who I'm with. I have never had that one person who has always been at my side through the good times and the bad. I make situations up in my head to stop my from doing something. I feel so unloveable and so very unnecessary in life that sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to have one.
I am not the girl who has millions of friend who are always the for me and I am not the girl who actually wants to end her life. But I am the girl who wants to get up and live her dreams and maybe my dreams have changed over the years to the point where I don't know what that dream is anymore but it defiantly is someone who wants to help other but I just don't know how. Cause how do you help others ... when you can't even help yourself...
This pain I feel inside of me is getting too strong and I can't continue being that person but I just don't know how to get get her out my head anymore shes in there and she in too deep and I'm don't even know who the real me is anymore cause I have been faking it for too long now and I don't know how to climb out of the skin I've created.
Sincerely The Girl in the Mask.
