Derek & Daniel

Part 5 - A Hard Night

It's been a couple of weeks since I've seen Derek. He hasn't contacted me and we haven't met up. I feel hurt and confused.

It's the weekend again, and I head home with some groceries, planning to meet up with some friends later on for dinner. I enter my apartment building and there's Derek. He smiles at me as we wait for the elevator. Nobody else is around. We enter the elevator and press our floor numbers.

"So, are you doing anything? Would you like to come up to my place?" He asks me. He moves towards me, and I back away, moving aside.

"No I can't, I'm heading out again soon" I tell him and I'm uncomfortable, waiting for my floor to come up. It seems to be taking forever.

My floor finally comes up and I step forward waiting for the doors to open.

I turn to him and bravely say "Thanks anyway, maybe next time" I say as I exit and head to my door. I realize he's behind me and I turn to him, my face questioning.

"Can I come in?" he asks me. I recall that he's never been to my place before as I open the door and carry my groceries into the kitchen. He looks around, noting all my stuff. He wanders over and picks up Soot, and he obviously remembers him from our very first meeting. I put things away and ask him if he'd like a drink.

He walks up to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. "Daniel, what's wrong?" he asks me, rubbing my arms.

I step out of his grasp, and move to the window, looking out. He tries again "Daniel, did I do or say something that night? I wasn't well, you were great helping me. Was it because I couldn't ..." he stops and I look at him in exasperation.

"No Derek, of course not, you were sick".

"Then what's wrong?" He implores me.

I look at him and my pain surfaces and I turn away, not wanting him to see it. He comes over to me and turns me around to face him, holds my head immobile so he can look into my eyes. I open my mouth, then close it, confused. I look into his eyes and try to voice what's going on in my head.

"I have feelings Derek, for you. I know this is just casual for you. It's great what we do, I enjoy it, but my heart is getting involved now, and it's starting to hurt." I pause for breath. "I'm not seeing anyone else, I don't know if you are with other people in the weeks I don't see you." I stumble the words out of my mouth and, move away from him, my arms around myself.

"I don't think I can do this casual sex thing. I don't think it's in me. I tried."

"So, you think you're just a play thing to me?" he asks me.

I tell him "You've never indicated anything else. You say you want to play with me, play with my body. Yes, it fun and the sex is great - for me it is fabulous! But, it's hurting me now, so I need to stop it and move on" I finally say.

"What do you want from me" he asks me quietly.

"I don't want anything from you Derek, nothing that you're not willing to give. I know you're not wanting anything more, and I won't ask that of you. I understand what we are, but I don't want to do it any more". I stare out the window, my heart beating so fast.

Neither of us says anything and the silence is deafening! I move towards my front door and turn to him.

"It's OK Derek, let's just leave it as it is now OK? Umm, I'm heading out soon ...." He takes the hint and walks towards me. I open the door and hold it in front of me like a shield. I can see his frown and confusion, but I cannot help him.