I Need a Hero (Literally)

Journey

When Taiyi said he was going to tag along, Nezha thought he meant he would do it in silence.

Sweet. Delicious. Silence.

He should've known better.

It was starting to sound like a great idea to bite his tongue whenever his master was around, because off to his side, swinging a gourd of liquor like a child's toy, was a singing god. And he sang...horribly.

Every other note was at least two octaves off, and the squeaking crack in his voice made him sound something akin to a dying cat. A screech bellowed from his vocal chords as the deity picked up his pace, prancing forward with too much enthusiasm.

Nezha thought he could take it. Who the fuck was he kidding; the sound was splitting his head from ear to ear, slicing straight across the skull. Furthermore, Taiyi had dug himself a grave by refusing to let them fly.

Apparently, traveling to the pagoda in the 'natural' way was supposed to be a resiliency test. They were 'humans', after all. The young man found himself near the verge of spitting blood at the revelation of Taiyi's plans.

"You're impatient, hotheaded, and arrogant," the deity had told him, counting his three fingers. "I'm opting for the long route to help hone your adaptability skills."

That, plus his wretched solo-audience concert pushed Nezha's temper to a boiling sizzle. Seeing the red tint on Taiyi's face, he so wished he could knock whatever happy thoughts that made itself home in the god's head out and fill it with electrifying rage.

Nezha was ninety-nine percent sure Taiyi was doing it to press his buttons, 'testing his patience'. And he was ninety-nine percent positive that he wasn't just going to burn his pants this time.

"So loooooooong, my pretty darlinnnngs..." Taiyi chorused. His hand waved fanatically, conducting his imaginary erhu orchestra. In his delirious high, his meaty arm accidentally swung too far to the side, slapping Nezha's face like a drum.

It proved to be the last straw. The blood under the youth's skin ran hot with mortification.

"Can you shut the fuck up?!" Nezha barked. "For five minutes!"

They've barely made it a few hours out of Chentang Pass and he was already thinking of turning back. The road to the East Sea stretched on before him in a never-ending path with no end in sight. Nezha feared he'd turn insane before they could even get halfway through.

Taiyi stared at him with those same enlarged eyes again, pouting. But all that got him was a roll of eyes from the youth.

Nezha breathed a sigh of relief. At the minimum he got the silence he wanted, so that was a score. Trudging along the path, he stuck a wheat straw between his teeth, chewing it with a thoughtful frown on his features.

It was going to take at least three days with their inhuman speed to reach the East Sea, granted if Taiyi didn't forget the rest of the way in the middle of the road.

Lugging a human without any combat training or celestial abilities would slow them down on the way back. And Nezha realized he had to mentally prepare himself for the even longer journey after they defeated the dragon.

He grunted in agitation, tsking at the thought. The villagers better shut up for a good while after this, else he might just lose it. Hell, he'll-

Chomp!

A crisp crunch of teeth grated his ears, making him recoil at the offensive sound. Nezha's eyes bolted open, and he hurled around in time to see Taiyi snacking on a whole onion.