Art book(Old!!)

A vent, that's all.

(⚠Mentions suicide⚠) 

Lately, I've been feeling crappy, and I usually don't feel like this at all, but I realized how much of a terrible person I am, I always jump into people conversations, I get a pit of joy seeing others mad which is toxic,and I feel like I'm a burden to everyone. 

I was always the good child in my family, the one that have good grades, have a lot of friends, and always have a smile on my face. 

Now am the totally opposite, I promise my mom I'll always be the cheerful kid she knows but.... I broke that promise, I realized that I can't really keep a promise. 

Ever since last year I been feeling bad and I didn't know why so I just ignore it, later on this year, I started to have suicidal thoughts, I've been more stress, I felt like I was losing my mind, I started to plan my death, I was counting down until the day I was going to commit..... Suicide. 

In early September, I was just having dinner with my family, I was already feeling like this. I decided to just tell my mom of how I been feeling, I only tell her my suicidal thoughts but not telling her my plans. It hurts me seeing my mom cry, once I told her she started to burst into tears and so did I, we started to talk about stuff to see what could help me out and told me "please, never think about suicide, your love by many, please promise me that? " I promise her, but remember I can't always keep my promises. 

I was planning to commit suicide in late October, but many thoughts came rushing in my mind , what about the people who love you?, what if you miss something that might change your life forever? What about those dreams you have? What about your friends? Your so young to do this, you still have a life ahead of you. 

Those thoughts made me rethink of what am doing. 

Later on I've gotten better

Even tho I kinda still cry myself to sleep

But now, I realized there is many fake people in this world, you don't know who to trust, you don't now who can just back stabbed you in any minute. 

I started to remember that I was the good kid who always had a smile on there face , so I started to put on a smile every day but that means am a faker too, not showing who I'm really am. 

I started to think that people are only friends with me out of pity, which is probably true. 

Now am feeling like this all over again but am pretending that am actually getting better, the people who only know that I had suicidal thoughts were my mom and dad, not my whole family, but now you know. 

I really don't want to go into this all over again, I don't want to take a break due to this only being my safe place, maybe ending it all will be a key to freedom to me, but again I'll probably regret it. 

I haven't check anything off my bucket list. 

So I should wait until I at least check off something off my bucket list.

•school•

When I first started school I always wonder why people hated school, but all those comments are all from older kids who been in school longer. 

It went smooth for me, getting good grades, have a lot of friends, I thought that nothing could go wrong but of course everything came crashing down. 

My grades went down, all my friends started leaving me, been back stabbed, but I was so naive that I was blinded, thinking everyone was a good person, but I had to learn the hard way that not everyone was good. 

Due to school I developed trust issues, thinking what's the point of making friends if there just going to leave me in a year or just turn on my back and back stabbed me. 

I felt like making friends, irl or online they'll just leave me. 

I was the one who always take the blame for are friendship falling apart, but tbh I feel like I am the one who made the friendship fall apart. 

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•--•-•-•-•-•-•-•--•-•-•-•-•-•-•--•-•-•-•-•-•-•--•-•-•-•-•-•-•--•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

I always talk down on myself, it's like all the negative things about me, become there own person, another... Me but all the bad stuff about me, just talking down on me. 

I just want it to end.