The Dirty Heart Experience

Fury

The rest of the evening I anxiously paced my living room, fed that incessant anxiety with occasional visits to the fridge, and tried to keep myself from wondering what that one simple message had meant... that wasn't how he wanted it to go. Those simple words rattled around my brain, thinking, analyzing, overthinking to a point even I could recognize as unhealthy.  I needed to distract myself from the ghost I thought long dead, from the pain and rage that ghost brought with him.

"Not how he wanted it to go..." mumbling to myself as I sat at my kitchen table, my right leg restlessly shaking against the wooden leg of the chair as I lost myself in the swirl of cream amongst the coffee in my cup. I wanted to find a way to turn back the hours, I'd give anything to not have been there when he'd showed up at the shop. Anything to not have been transfixed by those eyes again. Their in the silence and safety of my home I could truly admit to myself that I'd never felt so exposed, so vulnerable, as I did standing in front of him that day. And I hated him for having that effect on me, hated myself for allowing those feelings. He was in my shop, in my business, on my turf, but under those boundless eyes I was a naive grad student all over again, and  that was the last thing I ever wanted him to see. He had no business knowing how his eyes could put me right back there, in that apartment, wrapped in his arms, lost in the fantasy he had sold me on all those years ago. Had he expected to find me online after the events of the day? Did he know the impact seeing him really had on me? What did he really expect seeing me again to be like? Loudly releasing a breath I never realized I'd been holding, I leaned back against the wooden spindles of the chair. "What the fuck could he have expected?" my voice drenched in a mix of emotions I didn't want to define.  "fuck his expectations." My stomach turned over and somewhere in the recesses of my overworked brain I wondered if the events of the day had left any impact on him whatsoever. I finally found myself sitting on my over stuffed leather couch completely lost in thought, wondering if he was thinking about what had happened, if he was as bothered by the events of the day as I was, or if he was even thinking about me at all. I couldn't decide what bothered me more, the fact that I was still thinking about him, or the idea that he might not be thinking about me. Sometime after 2am I shook myself free from that mental quicksand and I made my way down to the bakery. Cleaning, I told myself that cleaning would keep my hands and my mind busy.

I busied myself with extra cleaning in the kitchen before moving to the office where I began reorganizing my desk. Time flew by, my hands busy, but my brain still completely lost in the events of the prior day and a nagging fear of what, if anything, would come next. Could he be just a blip in my life, just make a surprise appearance like that and disappear? He vanished before, why couldn't he do it again? There was nothing saying I'd hear from him ever again I tried to convince myself.  Maybe he would just drift away on his little purple cloud, back to that perfect little world of his own creation, a world where money could buy him anything he needs 

"Just vanish again, like last time please." I huffed out in fristration to the empty office as I thumbed through the documents on my desk. " 7 years of emails, can't he take a hint" hearing those words, manifesting the truth of what had been happening let the weight of that finally settle on my already slumped shoulders. "7 years" I mumble again, starring off into the distance with the slightest shake of my head. 

"You wanna fill me in?" David's rough voice snapped me back to reality.

"Shit man!" papers falling from my hands as I jumped in my seat and my head snapped to the door frame where David was leaning with a concerned look on his face. "I didn't even hear you come in." Taking a peak at the clock noting it was just after 5am. His forehead scrunched up in concern he casually took a seat at my desk.

"So," sitting back, his eyes never leaving mine, "what was that all about yesterday?" Pursing my lips and squinting at him slightly, I momentarily considered feigning ignorance, but knowing David that would only make him push harder for answers. "You know he could be a very helpful customer to the business Sydney." Rolling my eyes as I uncerimoniously plopped down into my chair.