The Dirty Heart Experience

Prologue - Man 'O' War

April 13, 1997

I'm sorry Sydney. I know those words don't change what happened or what I said or how weak and misguided I was. I need to talk to you, I need you. You haven't been online lately and I tried to call you, but your number. . .no longer in service? I want to talk to you about what's going on and I want to clear the air. I love you Sydney. I have loved you since we first started talking online, before I ever laid eyes on you I loved you. I know I haven't done right by you every step of the way. I know things have been difficult and I have made them more difficult than they ever needed to be. Please call me, I can't walk away from us.

May 1, 1997

Sydney? I need to talk to you. Please. You have no idea how sorry I am. . .for everything. I need you, I can't go through all of this alone.

June 10, 1997

She killed him. She killed our baby. She took him away from me again and says it's my fault. She told me she had to kill him. Damn it Sydney I need you here with me! God is punishing me for the way I've acted in my life, but I want to make things right. I want to fix this sugar. I can't take being punished by you too. I need you to help me make sense of all this. Please. I'm begging. Call me and I'll beg. I'll come to you and beg if I have to. I cannot do this alone Sydney.

September 5, 1997

I've been on tour and currently we're in the middle of a few weeks of break. Everything is so quiet Sydney. She doesn't talk to me anymore. She barely looks at me when we're in the same room. She wants to live somewhere else, I've agreed to buy her a house in Spain so she can get away. And you're so quiet. I just wish I would hear something from you. Even if you hate me and can't ever forgive me, tell me. I just want to hear something from you. Just let me know you are ok. Who knows, maybe you don't even check this email anymore. I'm going to keep emailing you until you tell me not to, or until they start kicking back. Maybe you'll read this someday.

December 23, 1997

I miss you Sydney. Your Christmas gift came back to me. Said you no longer lived there. I'm guessing you finished with school and moved away. Now I can't show up at your doorstep. I hope you are doing well and I hope you have found something that makes you happy. I still miss you very much sugar, every day.

March 2, 1998

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore Sydney. Life is changing so much. I feel like I have found some answers, but I still feel like so many of the answers I need are held by you and you alone.  It almost feels like I need to find you before I can find myself. Part of me knows I've made a real mess of things and that I'm just continuing to make a mess, but I don't have anyone to point me in the right direction anymore.

September 30, 1998

I told myself I wasn't going to keep writing to you. It's obvious you're not reading these or if you are you just don't care about me or what's happening with me, but I can't help it. This is like keeping a journal that no one will ever find. Maybe you.  Maybe one day you'll log into this account and find all these emails. Who knows, maybe they will make you feel validated in walking out and never once looking back. You're the only one that hasn't looked back, they all look back. I'm pretty sure it's the bank account they are looking back at, I'm just in the way. But not you. You're too good for that.  You're a real woman. You're the only one I miss.

May 18, 1999

I'm divorced now and I already have another woman living in my house. I wonder what you would have to say about that. If we were still talking on Sunday's like we used to, I wonder what advice you'd try to give me. Exactly how disappointed would you be in me?

August 13, 1999

Some nights I wake up from dreams about you.  Nothing graphic, just dreams that you're still here. That I'll see your face when I roll over, but I never do.

September  17, 2001

I've stayed away for a long time.  Just over 2 years. I wrote a few times and deleted it before hitting send.  I can't keep doing this to myself Sydney. I feel empty without you. Something is missing, that's what I tell people when they ask what's wrong, but it's not something, its you. You are what's missing from my life. I need you. I need our conversations. Our banter. Or connection. I feel lost without you.  I've found a new religion, and I know I shouldn't be talking to you like this, but I can't help it. You literally pull at my soul, I need to talk to you, even if you can't or wont talk back to me. I need you, all of you. They don't understand. Jehovah wouldn't understand. Please Sydney, find your way back to me.  I'm getting married on December 31, or at least that's the plan.  If you tell me not to I won't. I don't care that we haven't spoken in what feels like forever. Just say the word and I will walk away from her, for you, for even the smallest chance at us. Just say anything to me sugar. I need you, but I cannot stand being alone. Please just one word. Any word you want. Please.

July 8, 2002

I'm going to be baptized in a few days and I need to let things from my past go.  I need to move forward and stop living in a past that will never meet me here in the present. I wish you could meet my wife and see the life I have now.  Things are so very different from when you knew me, I am so different.  I am much more content now. I still want you to walk across the threshold of my home, but my belief that this will ever happen is nearly gone.  I considered hiring someone to find you not too long ago, but I couldn't do it.  If you wanted to see me or talk to me you could. I haven't gone anywhere, I'm still waiting here. I can't keep waiting Sydney. I left so many pieces of myself with you and I need them all back.  I need to move forward and take those pieces of myself back.

March 23, 2004

I've tried to make this work and I've tried to find someone to talk to about all of this, but none of it's working.  There is no one I can talk to about this mess. I thought this would work, I thought this would be different, I thought she would be different.  She wants the person I no longer am. She wants the money she thinks wearing my ring has earned her. I have seen the truth of the matter. I have seen the pictures, the security videos of random men being paraded through my home while I am out of town. I wish you would answer me one day. Maybe you could explain what is wrong with me. Why do women think they can walk all over me? I still miss you Sydney.

_______________________________________

September 25, 2004

I closed the lid of the purple laptop that was sitting on my outstretched legs as I leaned by head back against the firm brown leather couch and let my eyes fall closed. His words rolled through my head, none of them new to me.  I've been checking this email account once a month for years now, just to see if he still wrote and even if nothing was there I'd go back and re-read his last messages. I could hear his voice reading every word in my head. I could hear his soft intake of breath at each little pause.  Every time I told myself I wouldnt' read them again and still every time I closed out of the account my heart broke just a little.