Mr Jefferson is Coming Home (Jamilton)

Chapter 14

A/N:

Hey guys! I really hope you'll like this chapter... it's a long one about Thomas, it mainly consists in Thomas's POV on the events described in the previous one, but it's very important for the character's development and to understand his feelings for Alexander. Enjoy! 

[aaaaand if you like it, please consider leaving a vote!♡]

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There was silence that morning on the luxuriant hill where Monticello had been built. It was not a complete quiet, but the twits of the birds and the distant voices of the people working in the plantations were so different from the loud noises of the city that Thomas almost didn't notice them. He'd waken up early and cooked breakfast for his daughters – double portion for Patsy, who was carrying her first child and her due date was really close – and then he'd gone for a walk but, in the end, he'd found himself standing in the family cemetery, again.

Martha Jefferson

Daughter of John Wayles and Martha Eppes

Born October 19th 1748. O.S.

Intermarried with Thomas Jefferson

January 1st 1772; torn from him by death

September 6th 1782: this monument of his love

is inscribed.

He'd asked to add that last sentences, he wanted everyone to know what a wonderful woman his wife was, especially for him.

"Hi, my love," he started, with a lump in his throat at the sight of her name on the marble stone. "I miss you so much – I swear I do. It doesn't matter what I do, how many friends I have or what distractions I find, every single day I wish you were still here with me."

He talked about everything he'd done in France – well, he omitted some little details – and about his days in NYC as Secretary of State; he told her about his plans with Madison and the important dinners and meeting he was having in order to set stronger basis to their newborn nation.

"You should see how much arguing I'm forced to do every day," he smiled for a second, "there's this Secretary of Treasury, Hamilton, who's the worst. He's always quibbling over something and he's too straightforward, even ill-mannered from time to time –

Thomas looked around to be sure no one was listening. His sad smile had grown into an adoring one, but he hadn't noticed yet.

"We used to be enemies and hate each other, but now it's not like that anymore. You know, I haven't really felt anything for a long time, Martha, because from the day you left me alone, I simply refused to go on without you. I still had the love of our wonderful daughters, and that was enough for me. I've met some other people in these past years, but what they offered to me was something I'd lost long before – I didn't have any love to give back and, even if I'd had it, I wouldn't have given it to anyone. But Alexander – that's Hamilton's first name – he didn't give me love; he gave me hate, and anger, and something to fight against. After many years, I felt heated by our arguments and had a reason – probably a bad one, but a real reason anyway – to get up and go to work every day."

Thomas knelt in front of the tombstone, his face growing livelier with every word he uttered. Then, he paused and looked solemnly at the marble headstone, his head dropping after some moments.

"Martha, you have to forgive me, but I can't keep my promise anymore. I won't ever marry, that's a certainty – not that our daughters would mind, they are grown-up now – but I can't live without love. If there was a way to hold you again in my arms, without taking away my own life – and believe me, love, I've considered it many times – I would do whatever it takes to have you back. But you're in a better place right now, and I have to go on somehow. I've never settled for the easiest path, and this time too it won't be easy, but I'm ready to love again and I wanted you to know it –