My Sister's Keeper

34

There's this unspoken thought about the afterlife: that when you die, your soul ends up on a beach. I always wondered why it was the beach and not the top of a mountain, overlooking a natural view. Not everyone likes the beach. Maybe it has something to do with the calm that comes with only the sound of the waves, the sand under your feet, the ability to watch the sun rise and set over the water, casting an array of purples and oranges that look like watercolors.

And once you're on that beach, the people you love come to greet you and take you away to an afterlife with the people you lost. I wouldn't call myself religious, but it's an image I am okay with. It's better than the idea that once you're dead, you're dead.

I've often wondered who would be on my beach, as I teetered between life and death. Probably my mother, even though I never actually met the woman apart from birth. And Meredith. I always assumed Meredith would be here with me too. I never thought I'd be here first.

Her mother was wearing a white flowy top and jeans, while Derek was walking barefoot in some khakis and a button down top. They both smiled warmly at her. "Cassie, my sweet girl."

It suddenly really hit her why she was standing on a beach with her dead mother and uncle. She had screwed things up so bad that she was seeing dead people. She suddenly felt the urge to cry, although she had used up all of her tears in the last month. "Everything is ruined."

Her mother looked equally sad. She must've been watching. "I know, honey."

"Am I dying?"

"That's up to you." Derek chimed in, and her mother smacked him.

"It is up to you Cass, but... you have so much to live for. You have the choice. Some of us weren't that lucky. We didn't get the choice; god knows we would've stayed. But, we're here to talk about you. You haven't been happy or okay lately. You're dying because you're drinking and smoking yourself to death."

Cassie's eyes remained glued on the waves. She already knew she fucked up, that she was fucked up. She didn't need to be reminded. "You don't get to stand here and give me a lecture on what I've been doing because you left me, remember?"

"I did. And you still turned out amazing. You're not who you are because of me, you're who you are in spite of me. And that's okay. I can't blame you for that. You just hit a bump in the road."

The waves crashed against the shoreline and receded. She let out a deep breath. "Yeah. I'm sad all the time now. All I do is think about the past. About you and Mer and Thatcher and the foster homes...."

"You're trying to kill yourself. You might not be slitting your wrists, but you're shutting down. You know that as much as I do."

She finally turned her head back to her mother and her uncle. "I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I found a way to manage it, I could stay there. I don't want to be the wimp that gets homesick after a month of college. I spent my whole life alone and now that I have a family, I'm wasting the time that I could have with them. Last time we talked, you said something was wrong with Meredith. What's wrong with her? Is she going to die?"

Lexie and Derek looked at each other. "She's not dying unless she wants to. And Lexie shouldn't have said anything about that to you."

"Cass, she's not going anywhere."

"Then why did you say that?"

"You can't live your life afraid that everyone around you is going to die." Derek snapped, and then he realized that this girl in front of him really was bits and pieces of his sister in law and his wife. He saw his sister in law in her face, but the mannerisms and logic of the love of his life. She was even giving him the same glare.