Lips That Lied || hs

Sixty-Eight

London, United Kingdom
July 1852

Jane was enjoying her morning breakfast with Lorraine when the mail was delivered to them. Lorraine was happily reading that morning's newspaper as Jane turned through her letters, some from new acquaintances she had recently met, one from her father, and then curiously, one from her husband. Ordinarily, she would have torn open her father's first, merely because she missed him and felt guilty for asking him to return to Edinburgh, where he had spent months imprisoned under her grandfather's cruel regime. She didn't want to leave him waiting for her reply even for a moment. However, her curiosity was piqued so much by James's letter that she set the rest aside and read his first.

It wasn't a particularly long letter by any means, but it was nonetheless a shocking one, so shocking in fact that Jane had to reread it more than once to grasp what James had apparently written to her. She frowned as she tried to read through all the portions he had crossed out, but in the end surrendered to what limited text she was permitted to see. Still, doing so did not ease the tension in her expression. James didn't sound at all like himself.

"What's the matter?" Lorraine asked from beside her, taking notice of Jane's evident confusion and setting her paper down. "Is it James?"

"Yes," Jane answered, which earned a gasp from Lorraine. Jane looked up quickly and curtly shook her head, "No, no... nothing's wrong. I apologize. It's just..."

"Just what?"

Jane hesitated before saying anything, but in the end settled on a safe, non-assuming answer. "He just seems so different, so... caring even. I'm just not used to it."

"Well, that's a relief," Lorraine sighed happily, her eyes drifting back to her paper. "What did he say?"

Taking up the letter again, Jane's eyes grazed her husband's messy writing and tried to form a proper summary. "Well, he said he's been riding a good bit since he got there and that he hopes one day he and I could ride together... apparently, my father told him that I'm a fair rider."

"You're more than fair," Lorraine allowed, not looking up from her paper. "What else?"

Jane bit her lip, "He asked how I am and how the baby is, then—"

Lorraine looked up and interrupted, "Really?" Jane nodded in affirmation, to which Lorraine responded with a hum and a nod to continue.

"He said that if at any point I want him to come home, he will," Jane said, though this she wasn't surprised by. "Of course, he said that to me before he left, but the weird part about it is that right after that, he said he wants to be there for me through anything, big or small."

"Those were his exact words?"

"Yes," Jane frowned and looked back down at the paper. "Then he said, 'I know I've never been worthy of you, but I intend to try to be.' I mean... doesn't that sound, I don't know, like he's trying to be romantic?"

Jane looked to her aunt for answers, but her expression was all but unreadable. It seemed she was puzzled by James's behavior as well.

"It does," Lorraine admitted after some time, though her answer didn't encourage Jane in the least. She was glad she and James were getting along, but this kind of devotion felt like it was too much. "What will you say?"

Shaking her head and trying not to think of the meaning behind James's words, Jane sighed heavily, "I have no idea... He says he wants to be more open with me, but I don't know if I can reciprocate that."

Lorraine was quiet for several moments, which made Jane nervous. She had the look of someone who was about to tell her something she didn't want to hear. "Jane, I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but perhaps you should try being open too. I know this is a tricky situation and that he probably doesn't deserve it, but being open is just as much for your benefit as it is for his."

Jane knew that Lorraine was right, but still, the prospect of sharing her thoughts with James made her uneasy, since she wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't try to use them against her. After all, all she had really known of him was his cruelty and his ability to be unkind to her. Yes, he was changing, but Jane was wary of trusting him enough to be vulnerable with him. She wanted the power in the relationship for once, but Lorraine's words made her start to think that she would never get it.

"I know," Jane answered quietly. "But won't that be strange? We've never talked to one another like that before."

"It will be unnatural at first, yes, but that's the beauty of letter writing. You just send it, and you won't have to think on it again until he replies."

Jane supposed that much was true, though it didn't do much to ease her uncertainty. Until she could trust James completely, she would never feel entirely comfortable with unreservedly sharing her feelings with him. Maybe that was just it though. Maybe she wasn't supposed to feel comfortable.

"I don't know what I would say," Jane said. "I can't just tell him everything."

"Of course not." Lorraine smiled warmly at Jane. "Start with how you are and how the baby is—he needs to get used to it—tell him you'd like to go riding some time, then give him one thing to hold onto that shows him you're trying too. I doubt he expects anything of you, dear. He knows anything you give him is purely because of your graciousness, so it's okay to start as small as you like."

Jane was relieved that Lorraine would give her some sort of plan to follow, since it made the idea of writing back to James a little less daunting. At least now she knew where to start.

"Thank you," Jane smiled, meaning it. "Sometimes I think I'm going crazy because of how anxious he makes me."

Lorraine laughed in amusement and closed her newspaper, "My dear, I think we all feel that way."

•••

I know it's short, but I just wanted to post a little something in celebration of me finishing finals! :)

I hope everyone is doing well!
-Kate💖