Love vs. Anxiety

Chapter 2

It's pass 3 am and I couldn't sleep feeling anxious of whats going to happen in the next day .

Sebastians unwanted threats are playing on my head again and the way he hurted me.

As if , this is something new. I wonder why my stomach still churns everytime I remember it. I thought I already convinced myself that I'm already numb from all the pain this world will give me but I thought wrong .

I'm starting to realize now, how important self love is at some moments this where its 3 am and I'm all alone. Who's gonna help me at this point now? Who's gonna mend the broken pieces of my soul ? No one but me and I have to be there for myself.

When it's already 5 am and I still couldn't sleep. I gave up . I felt like a zombie when I managed to force myself up. My dead tired body never really bothered me, just the void feeling and mind- that one bothers me the most and I couldn't help but to pity myself.

I don't feel like a normal person already.

I shook my head from my thoughts. Dammit! I just couldn't stop being negative.

Jen! Get a grip! You can't live like this forever! My conscience scolded me.

So thats what I did. I made myself a warm chocolate drink, opened up the curtain, and enjoyed the sunrise. This is at least one of ways to comfort myself from the internal battles I've been fighting only I, myself knows.

Mom woke up at pass 6 am and she's never really surprised I was up early, because she's used to it.

She thought I am always an early bird but she never really knew her daughter couldn't sleep because of trauma and anxiety.

Dont get me wrong here, my mom Jenny, is a great mom. I got my name from her which is 'Jennevy' because of it we got the same nickname 'Jen.' When I asked her why she named me after her, she said, she's just lazy to think of any names.

Yeah, she's like that most of the times. Mom is not one to show affection in words but her actions shows it tremendous ways. I know she loves me so much and that is the reason why she named me after her.

I keep my problems to myself not because my parents are bad but because they are too good and I dont want to add up to our family problems anymore.

I remember back when I was a kid, I always come to school upset whenever I hear my parents fighting over financial matters. Debts and debts and endless debts. Sometimes my dad comes home drunk because of their fights and then they will fight again over it!

The cycle never stops (-.-)

But even so, they are great parents to me. They never disciplined me through violence and always considerate of me of my mistakes. I also saw how they both struggled financially and emotionally for our living and I always appreciate their sacrifices for me but most of the times it really pains me to see them struggle and as a child, it tortures me that I couldn't do anything about it because I'm just a plain kiddo.

I was forced to be matured by the situation.

I learned from then to be resposible in so many things. I taught myself how to cook while mom is busy with her rockets. I taught myself to wash clothes, dishes.

You name all the chores, I learned and mastered it back when I was just 10 yrs old.

It's the least I can do to lessen the stress levels of my parents.

In the process, I have practiced silence so good. Silence about my pain, silence about all the kind frustrations and complaints I have in life.

Up until now I'm still the same kid, but the difference is, I'm in t

"Where did you buy these and how much-" Mom started the moment she joined me on the table refererring to the hot chocolate I made and the dishes I made for breakfast.

"Goodmorning too mama" I glared at her playfully. She just smirked at me in response.
"Don't worry about it ma its from my own pocket" I said proudly.

I work part time at night as a call center to help with our financial needs. I just took a day off yesterday for my first day in the university.

I thought its very convenient to work since I couldn't sleep at night, I might as well get the benefit of it.

"You know how to boast now" she laughed. I just shrugged my shoulders smiling cheekily at her.

We started to eating our breakfast in silence. In the midst of it, I sensed her heavy stares that made me look at her

"Ma?" I asked.
"Why are you not wearing your glasses Jen?"

"Ohh that--" Her look now is so intense because she knows how I can't live without my glasses and maybe she's sensing that something is wrong.
"ahh I forgot to tell you yesterday mama because I was so tired from my first day--" I massaged my temples and exaggerated my sigh. "I got bumped accidentally by a random person and it got broken" which was true I just purposely leave out the other details.

She raised her brows at me as if waiting for me to say something else . I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly as if its' not a big deal.
"No point being upset over it now -- I can just replace it don't worry"

She weighed me with that heavy stare again for a few moment before she let out a sigh.
"If you say so but please let me know if there's a problem"

At least she let me go for now huh. It's always like this, I feel like sometimes she always sense that something is wrong but she trusts the independency and smiles I always show since I was kid and that made her conclude by her own that she raised a strong kid and I'm fine by my own.

I'm sorry mom, I pretend too well.

After we finish our breakfast, mom said she's gonna be out again for another 'rocket' (extra sideline work)

The moment she leaves, I was myself again. Anxious and so so scared. I feel like I dont want to go to university thinking about Sebastian and Dylan.

I almost cried while overthinking about it as I took my shower but I held it back , refusing to be a helpless fragile girl again.

I stared myself blankly in the mirror "Starting from today you are not the same Jennevy anymore"

I find myself a scissor and I started cutting my very long straight hair until it became boy length.

I also changed the way I dressed. A boyish pants I found and a v-neck t-shirt. I partnered it with cap. Also changed my girly backpack as well and replaced it with a knapsack from my dads' closet. Dad has many knapsack so he wont mind for sure.

I went my way to the university with my new look , finding a bit of new courage.

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