Diary of an anorexic in love

Killing me softley

It has been a week since me and John have talked. Now our "conversations" consist of grunts and glares. His girlfriend has been telling me I'm a bad person but whenever she is around I just tune her out and nod to whatever she says.

To be honest I haven't thought about John that much. My mind has been focused on calories and exercising lately.

Hunter is nice. He talks to me on the bus to and from school. We have the same lunch but I spend it running the track. He has never asked me what I do during lunch so I assume he has his own group of friends to eat with . Its a good thing he has never asked me to eat with him because then I would have to come up with an excuse for not wanting to.

My mom has actually been trying to hang out with me, which is a surprise being that we never hang out. I always say no though because I know she will want to go to a fast food place after we hangout and I can't risk that.

Currently I am at work. I am a songwriter for Tris Hernandez. I write the songs at her house with her and she is about to tell me her deepest secret.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." I say even though I really want to know.
"No I have to tell you before we make this next song. Okay I'm ready.......when I was 13 I developed Bulimia."

I am shocked. Looking at Tris you would never thing she had an eating disorder. I'm not saying she is fat but she looks so healthy.

"It's okay you can quit if you want."

" I'm sorry I'm just so shocked. I have to ask why you told me though. "

" I wanted to make the next song based off of my eating disorder."

" You still have bulimia?"

" No I got and wanted help when I was 21. On the 16 of January it will be three years since I last starved myself."

I smile at her and she smiles back. For the next two hours she is telling me things that happened and I am putting them into lyrics. When we are satisfied, I play the piano as she sings the lyrics.

As I am walking out of the door she grabs my elbow and says the most shocking thing ever.

"I know that you are anorexic. that's really why I told you about me. Don't worry I'm not going to tell anyone and I won't try to get you to get help. People have tried to get me help and it never worked because I didn't want it. in order for the help to work you have to want it."

I don't know what to say so I rush out as quickly as possible . I get into the my moms car making sure she can't see my face.

"Good day."

" Yeah."
On the ride home I listen to Eyesore all the way home on repeat.

When we get home the first thing I do is go to my room and lock the door. I reach between my desk and wall and get my scale. I step on it and a tear escapes my eyes. It reads 141 pounds. That is too much for someone 5'1.

I am still in my room when my mom says that dinner is ready. I tell her I don't feel well and she brings me up a plate. It is my favorite food; Chicken Alfredo, garlic bread, and a cup of lemonade.

" I made your favorite dish."

"Can I take it to school and eat it for lunch?"

"No there is plenty more for you to take to school and I don't care how sick you are you can't skip dinner ."

Seeing that I have no choice I take some chicken Alfredo and chew it about 20 times . I smile at my mom and she leave closing the door back. In twenty minutes I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and I run to the window and throw my food out the window. I lay down and put the plate on my dresser .

"I told you that you would like it."

I smile and she takes the plate.

" Why didn't you drink any of the lemonade ?"

Crap I forgot all about the lemonade. I think of some excuse and this is the one I find.

"I am laying off of the sweets and juices."

"No wonder you are losing weight. I thought you were starving yourself. "

I tense at the sentence.

"Of course not and I couldn't tell I was losing weight."

"Yep stick with it and you will be your healthy weight."

"My weight isn't already healthy ?"

"I'm not calling you fat."

"I never said you were. Get out."

"I-"

"Please just leave."

With that she walks out of the room. I get up and close the door and lock it. I cry and scream into my pillow . I am trying to sleep when there is a knock on the door.

"Who is it."

"Mom"

I get up and unlock the door. She comes in and sits on the end of my bed. I stand in the door way for a while then I go sit in my desk chair. I can't look at her right now.

"Your killing me with your silence." She says after a while.

"Your killing me with your sugarcoating. "

"I guess it's fair to say that we are both killing each other in a softly manner."

With that she walks out closing the door behind her.