Despair, Love or both? - DAZAI OSAMU X OC

Showing your emotions is weak

"Who are you?" I bluntly asked.

My question caught Dazai off guard. In his eyes I could see he knew what I meant.

Who is he?

Why did he want to kill himself?

Why is he acting so... cheerful when just a few hours ago he was attempting suicide?

Plenty of thoughts clouded my head. Dazai still hadn't answered my question. He simply looked down at his bowl- playing around with the food and the chopsticks.

"Curiosity killed the cat, Aya." He said in a calming, relaxed tone.

"Says the suicidal pretty boy." I sneered.

He laughed at my remark. His laugh was angelical. I seriously couldn't get enough from this guy. Any new thing he did in front of me made my stomach go in all directions possible.

"You called me a pretty boy." Dazai pulled my chair closer to his and leaned his face towards mine... again.

"Yeah, and pretty boys are usually useless." I put my hand on his face and pushed him away from me.

I stood up from the table and picked up all the dishes on the table, I went to the kitchen sink and washed all the dirty dishes. Dazai just stared at me in pure silence. It wasn't an awkward nor uncomfortable one really, it was peaceful. As I kept thinking of anything and everything I finished cleaning up the whole kitchen mess Dazai had made earlier before.

"You can sleep in the guest room tonight." I yawned, showing my sleepiness and tiredness. "Goodnight Dazai."

"Night Aya." He sweetly said to me.

I went into my bedroom and laid down on my bed. Before I knew it, I was already in a deep slumber.

** A few hours later **

I woke up and looked outside the window, it was still night? I turned on my phone to check the time "5:43 AM" it said.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep again, so I decided to go to the living room. My apartment wasn't too big, nor too small. It was the perfect size for me, and it was cozy also.

I looked around and saw all the hanging pictures of me with Ryo, I immediately took them off my walls and threw them into the trash, where they belong.

I sat down on the couch, facing my body towards the window which was in front of it.

What was I going to do now? I kept thinking and thinking. The only person I knew and trusted in this town is now... gone.

Besides the stranger sleeping on my guest room, I had no one to talk to.

No one to support me.

No one to rely on.

I began sobbing. And those sobs turned into uncontrollable tears that wouldn't stop no matter how much I tried controlling myself.

This isn't like me at all.

I never show negative emotions. Hell, I never show positive ones either. Sure, I can laugh and make sarcastic and witty comments, but I never show affection- nor sadness in front of others. That's what I've been taught since I was little, since I was helpless. I was taught to never rely on others nor reveal my true emotions to them.

Showing your emotions is weak.

"Aya?" A raspy, almost unrecognizable voice called out for my name.

"D-Dazai?" My voice was shaking, I didn't turn around to face him. I didn't want him to see me like this... this weak.

"Are you oka-"

"I am." I interrupted before he could finish his sentence. I am too stubborn, I know I am.

I heard footsteps coming towards me, I was still looking out at the window, trying to ignore Dazai's presence in the room, which didn't work at all. I felt the couch slightly sinking and felt a figure next to me. I tried keeping my sobbing as low as I could, embarrassed by the situation I was now stuck in.

Suddenly I felt two arms embracing me.

I turned around and saw Dazai's arms wrapped around me. I'd be lying if I said that his action didn't take me by surprise. I didn't hug him back, I was still processing WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON.

"I'll ask again, and I want you to be honest this time." I could feel a little of annoyance and frustration in those words. "Are you okay?"

I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. I cried on his chest as he caressed my hair, not letting me go. I eventually hugged him back, gripping his shirt tightly and I suddenly felt his head rest above mine.

I had no idea what time it was. What he was thinking. What I would do when the sun rises in a few hours. I had no idea, but I didn't care.

I felt safe. I didn't want this to end. I didn't want him to live. I don't care what these feelings I'm feeling right now, I just wanted us to stay like this for eternity.

My tears stopped flowing, I felt vulnerable.

A feeling I forgot what it felt like.

Showing your emotions is weak.

Tch, who fucking cared at this point.

That was the last thing that came to my mind before I fell asleep on the arms of Dazai Osamu.