Sheltered Heart

Chapter 8

"It has only been two days. Are you really giving up this easily?", she says surprising me that she even cares about me giving up. "There is nothing keeping me in Brooklyn anymore, I just need to go home right now", I tell Grace while she stares at me through the video chat. "Actually, there is one thing in New York that can give you a purpose to stay", she says referring to Daniel. I have told her several times and explained that there is nothing between us and that it never will be. That he is not the one for me, she keeps insisting on it though, "Grace, please don't go there. I told you I don't want anything to do with him. At least not in that way". She rolls her eyes at me through the video making me annoyed, but I ignore it. She offers me to come and stay with her until the wedding. That would have been nice but there is nothing I want more right now, then to hide and to be alone. I thank her for the offer and let her know that if I change my mind, I will take her up on her offer. Smiling she tells me that she needs to go and meet her wedding planner. I have never understood the concept of her having a wedding planner from Paris to take care of her wedding in New York City, but that's not something I am going to get in with the bride to be. When I pack in my clothes into my bag, I hear the door knocking. My heart freezes. The only two times that has ever happened has been when it was him. With my mind wishing that it's not him, my heart is arguing back hoping that it's Zeke. Slowly I walk towards the door, I feel my handshake when I put my hand on the doorknob. In a flash I open the door seeing Gary standing there. He is happy to see me, "hey! I heard you were moving back so I wanted to come and say goodbye". I have never had a brother but if I had one, I would wish him to be exactly as Gary. Carrying, big hearted and sweet. Welcoming him into the apartment he looks at the boxes all packed up, "wow, you are fast!" he says looking at me slightly impressed. "Actually, I had a moving firm helping me out this morning", his lips form a hard line trying to give me a smile. "I guess it's good to be wealthy when you want to run away from a town in a hurry", he says implying that I am escaping from NY. All because of Zeke and the shelter. What else am I supposed to do? There is nothing for me here now. Quiet I sit by the boxes on the armchair I have loved the past months, "how are you?" he asks sitting in front of me on the couch. I shrug my shoulders, "have you talked to him, since...?" I guess he knows about him coming by the shelter to argue with me. "No, he just left me after he told me what he thought about me". Putting my hands together I feel them sweating, by the thought of everyone knowing that Zeke doesn't care. As I thought he did. As more emotional things start to happen to me, I feel more destroyed. There is a fragile line between obsession and love. With everything that I have been through, I know that I am starting to obsess about this. Even if he doesn't care about me. That's why I need to get out of here, leaving all of this behind. I change the subject asking who they have covering my old passes. He tells me that Maria is working full time now but that she isn't as fun nor as good as me. I smile at him knowing that he doesn't really mean it. That he only says that to make me feel better, well Gary. There is nothing that can make me feel better right now. Before Gary leaves me alone to my thoughts he says, "you are an amazing young girl Annabelle, don't let any man or anyone destroy your passion. Let the world see the real you and don't hide behind fear", listening to him is not the same as really understanding and live up to his words. This time it's time to really fight for what I want to become. Fearless of failing...

Beaten and overrun by Brooklyn I sit in the airplane on my way back to Buffalo. Lying awake all, night. Thinking about everything that's happened has made tired. Because of it, I have a massive headache. Looking out the window about to arrive, I see my old town where I grew up and become the person that I am today. What if I was born in a normal economic family? Maybe then I wouldn't be willing to try what I did. Throwing away my relationship, my education so I could work on helping others. There is a lot of what ifs in my mind. Struggling to try to give me some kind of peace I get startled by the airplane landing. I get the usual feeling in my stomach like I were riding a roller coaster, but this time my mind doesn't care. It's like I can't feel anything anymore, hear anyone nor talk. Quietly I wait until I can get up from my seat while the same guy that has been trying to get my attention, is looking at me. He is still smiling with his beautiful face. Not being able to give him a smile back I look away until I hear the beep signalizing that we can exit the airplane. I hurry so I can exit the airport before I explode. There is a feeling in me that is pushing me down, making every step that I take feel like an extra load. The pain in my chest makes me shake and sweat. My arms feel numb as I carry my bag all the way out of the airport. I feel my throat tighten like I am not able to get any air into my lungs. The lights are bothering me so I rush out of the exit, Arthur is coming to get me, and he should already be here, but I can't find him. My eyesight starts to weaken making everything become blurry. Rushing out of the airport I lean my head against the glass wall, while I look for my cigarettes. Not being able to find them I feel my breathe, becoming very difficult. Stopping my lungs from being able to breathe at all. Trying not to fall down I hold on to the wall waiting for Arthur. Seconds feel like minutes. My heart beats so hard, that it feels like my chest is going to break. There is no way I am surviving, whatever this is. Arthur hurries to me as I start fading away completely. I fight it with everything I have in me but it's too strong, "I am having a heart attack!" my voice is weak but high. He helps me into the limousine. He lies me on the backseat while he gets me some water and a paper bag. "You have to breathe in the bag", he orders with a worried voice. I put the paper bag around my mouth while I breathe in it, not feeling any different. He puts his warm hand on my shoulder showing me how to breathe. Calmly he instructs me, and I do as I am told, hoping for the best. Hoping that I won't die without being able to see Ezekiel's face one last time. Suddenly I feel my heart rate slow down. I press my eyes shut trying my best to regain control over my heart. When I finally feel my entire body relax, I start to open my eyes. Arthur is standing beside me, kneeling down while looking at me scared. My body is exhausted like there was a train driving over me. Without stopping. He tells me to keep the bag and that he will get me home as fast as he can. Nodding I lie my head backwards on the seat cushion. After driving for a few minutes, I try to understand what happened, "Arthur, what is happening to me?". He looks at me through the rearview mirror trying to console me, "you had a panic attack miss, you need to rest" I would never think that I would be one of people getting a panic attack. Thinking about always believing that I was stronger than this, gets me more anxious. How could I get to this point? Keeping everything to myself, the weight of it all has destroyed me. I have never felt as vulnerable as now, "thank you Arthur". He tells me that there is nothing to thank him about. Closing my eyes, I try to rest before I get home. Newly awake I look at the house when Arthur drives in. My father who is standing outside of the house entrance doesn't look happy at all. Beside him is Serena. This couldn't get any worse! This is not something I want to deal with after what just happened to me. Never having a panic attack before makes me even more certain that this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever been through. My father raised me and has always been by my side since my mother passed. He never let me forget about her, trying his best to hold on to those few memories we made. Hearing people say that I am just like she was and that I look like her doesn't make it easier. I wish I had her by my side, especially now. Before getting out of the car I look at myself in a small mirror, that I am carrying around. I try my best to clean myself up, but I am pale. The dark circles around my eyes from not sleeping over 30 hours are hard to hide. At least I could rest after going through this panic attack. My father opens the door to the backseat to welcome me. Not ready yet to face them, I see him looking down at me in the backseat. His facial expressions turn from happy to instantly worried, "what happened honey?" hearing him ask me that brings up unwanted flashbacks of the best times and worse times I had there. Giving him a forced smile, I get out of the car kissing his cheek telling him that we'll speak later. I go around him and Serena walking straight to my bedroom. Not to be rude or impolite but there is a small strength in my left that I want to hold on to. That strength will only get me to the bedroom. By being alone I will be able to recuperate faster, "Annabelle, stop!" my father says when I walk up the stairs. Hearing his broken voice, I turn around. "You should never have left, I told you from the beginning something like this would happen". Without having any idea about what's really been going on in my life, he tells me the worse thing he could ever say right now. "I told you so", tired and not being able to feel anything. I ask him if I can go to bed. Speaking hurts my throat. Proceeding my way into my bedroom I feel relieved when I get there. I get under the covers with my jacket and shoes still on just wanting to forget even if it is for just a moment. A soft touch wakes me up, a gentle stroke on my hair. I open my eyes slowly seeing my father looking down at me, "Ann, you have been sleeping all day. You need to eat" he has a soft voice I haven't heard in years. Not being able to respond him nor caring right now, I cover myself with the covers. Most importantly, hiding my face. He sighs worried not even being able to hide it, "I'll tell Rose to make you some fruit salad with a cup of tea, if you don't want to eat the least you can do is drink something" his voice shifts from worried to mad because I am ignoring him. He walks out the door leaving me alone in the room. In the dark I remove my clothes and shoes, changing into a pair of sweatpants and a sweater. Crawling back inside the bed I look through my cell phone seeing various text messages from Raul and Max. Regretting that I didn't say goodbye to them I answer the messages before going to sleep again. Their worried messages make me upset with myself, I try my best to hold back the lump in my throat so I can lie and tell them that everything is fine.