pretty baby // h.s

14 | nothing new.

a.

the last week of spring break was difficult to say the least. i didn't go out much, i only stayed inside or around the house. collins would make a snarky remark and questioned me whenever i tried to go out, even if it was to take a stroll around the block or to visit violet. it made me so mad that i didn't bother going anywhere further than our front porch.

joey also didn't come home until late that night. it was near midnight when he came through the back door. momma had stayed awake, waiting for him to come home.

i wasn't sure where he'd been. joey's usually busy working or off doing his own thing. since he can't talk he can't tell us where he's been. even i was didn't know where he could possibly be.

when he came through the back, he went into the kitchen where momma was, since she had lit up candles and an oil lamp to let him know she was still awake. i watched from the darkened hallway as he did so.

it wasn't unusual for joey to come back late after a fight with collins. he knew he wouldn't be home at this time. we all knew where he'd be, in the opium dens. sometimes he wouldn't even show up until morning.

i felt bad about had happened and wanted to make sure he was okay, and to thank him from protecting me against collins, but i was too ashamed to do it that night. so instead, after making sure he did come home, i went back into my room and cried quietly before falling asleep.

collins' words just kept on repeating in my mind. what if it was my fault that joey got hurt? and that i had hurt momma and caused the fight? i didn't mean to do those things, i'd just never imagine my family would find out.

and a big question just kept on coming back into my mind, no matter how hard i tried to think of something else.

what if i stopped seeing harry? would it be for the best?

just the thought of it broke my heart. there was so many things that i did with harry, that he showed me, i couldn't imagine myself with someone else. before him, i never gave a second thought to any boy who caught my attention, but harry.. oh i could go on and on about him. even though we had spent only a short amount of time together, i cherished it, every second. meeting him was the best thing to ever happen to me.

but.. would he want me, as i wanted him? the thought had stressed me out for the rest of the week. that and the very obvious tension that was made from the fight didn't help much either.

and to add to that, sunday mass was a disaster and such an uncomfortable experience.

i wore my best church dress since it would be the first time in a long time where we've all gone together as a family. momma starched it real nice the day before so it was stiff and difficult to wear. momma didn't want it to get all wrinkly.

to top it off, she forced collins to come, even though he came back home real late, later than joey. so i was forced to sit in between joey and collins at church, who were both tired and irritable from the events of the day before, because momma thought we would 'get along now' since it was 'all in the past.' everyone was agitated and i was so uncomfortable.

i didn't pay that much attention to the sermon. momma was very into it and sang the songs with all her heart. it was difficult to stay quiet and not move around. i was so relieved when it was finally done.