Trump V. Biden (SNL fan satire/play)

Act I

NARRATOR: "On November 7, 2020, Joseph R. Biden was projected to be the winner of the 2020 United States Presidential election after acquiring more than 270 electoral votes. Although he had ultimately defeated incumbent President Donald J. Trump by seven million votes, Trump refused to accept it and accused Biden of stealing the election with millions of 'illegal' votes. The Trump campaign filed suit against several states in an attempt to flip them, but most of the suits were withdrawn because the campaign presented no evidence of mass voter fraud. In a last-minute attempt to convince the electors to defy the will of the people, Trump attempted to make his case by suing Biden directly in the United States Supreme Court."

CRYER: "Hear ye, here ye! The litigants have arrived and the court is now in session. We kindly ask you to please refrain from making People's Court jokes or calling Trump a liar, and we strongly advise Trump himself to let the lawyers do the talking."

TRUMP: "Boring!"

GUARD: "All parties raise your right hand..."

(dramatic music plays as the title Trump V. Biden appears on screen)

(Chief Justice John Roberts bangs his gavel)

ROBERTS: "Order in the court! Mr. President, will you please present your case?"

TRUMP: "The Democrats have stolen this election from me by voting, so I need to convince you that I am the true winner of the election and will be hanging around for FOUR MORE YEARS! FOUR MORE YEARS! Anyway, I am suing for one billion dollars. Half of that money I do not need to pay back my loans, and the other half I do not need to settle my lawsuits out of court. If I have any money left over, I will not use it to maintain my beautiful hair, because we all know that nobody, and I mean nobody, has a more glorious combover than me."

BIDEN: "You know, Donald, it's cheaper to just chop that whole thing off and buy some Rogaine. You could have used some of the money you would have saved to stock up on medical supplies."

TRUMP: "For the last time, Joe, it's not my fault that I didn't listen to that black guy. Okay?"

(Kayleigh McKenany runs up to Rudy Giuliani and hands him a briefcase)

ROBERTS: "Do you have the evidence to back your client's claims in there, Mr. Giuliani?"

RUDY: "Yeah, it's in there. I just realized I forgot what the briefcase code was, but I think I have it around here somewhere."

(Rudy sticks his hand in his pants while KM bends over to open the briefcase herself)

KM: "It's open! It's 12345, a brilliant combination only President Trump would think of!"

RUDY: "Ah, yes, the evidence. First, here is Hunter Biden's laptop. I know it's his because his name is on it. This laptop has the proof that his emails are rigged. All I have to do is turn it on... and it's not turning on. Kayleigh, can you send this back to that blind guy in Delaware?"

(all of the judges stare blankly at Rudy as he pulls a second laptop out of the briefcase)

RUDY: "This is Hunter Biden's backup laptop! This also has the proof. Let's see what he's got in those emails. Some messages from Donald Trump, Lindey Graham, Donald Trump again, Trump yet again, Vladimir Putin, Bill Barr, PornHub..."

(the judges continue to stare blankly at Rudy as he gets distracted by a porno he finds)

RUDY: "Hunter has the same subscriptions as me! Oh, and my favorite stripper is about to start a live broadcast! Oh, yes, keep at it, baby! Keep at it!"

CLARENCE THOMAS: "I wanna watch too!"

(Clarence gets out of his set and runs to join Rudy. They are completely absorbed by the porno)

CLARENCE: "She's not holding anything back. I didn't even know any human could do that!"