Trump V. Biden (SNL fan satire/play)

ACT III

(Act 3a: Bruce is dragged outside the Supreme Court building by the guards)

GUARD 1: "No hard feelings, sir. Even if we didn't have to drag you out, no one was gonna listen to you anyway."

GUARD 2: "Even if they accept that Biden won, you're probably better off not on this planet."

BRUCE: "Maybe you're right, guys, maybe you're right. It seems like people simply do not care about facts anymore. The more you repeat the same lies over and over again, the more people think it's true. Who cares that there isn't any evidence to back up the claims? Who cares that there is evidence that outright contradicts the claims? All that matters is that there are people who tell us what we want to hear and make us feel vindicated about people we already didn't like. Some people don't want to believe that people waving Nazi flags around are Nazis because that makes them anti-American. Some people don't want to believe that COVID is dangerous because their masks are uncomfortable. Some people prefer to believe that the Democrats, the media, the Jews, most scientists, some Republicans, and even some Trump associates are all part of some extremely elaborate conspiracy to undermine Trump's Presidency because they don't want to accept that they've been tricked into putting trust in a con man who only wants to use the Presidency to serve himself. They would rather believe he's a prophet of God than accept that they let him manipulate them into serving two masters."

GUARD 2: "And then they're gonna take it out on us. They're telling people to go around shooting people, and next they're gonna try to break away from the union and start another civil war. We're gonna be slaves again. Doesn't matter what happens; we gotta get outta this planet before all hell breaks loose!"

BRUCE: "That reminds me; I have an app for that!"

(Bruce whips out his phone; a spaceship appears and beams him up then disappears)

GUARD 1: "There he goes, faster than he could figure out that if slavery can come back, the holocaust can come back as well. He's better off on any other planet, and so are we. Trump is not gonna go away until he dies, and that's if we're lucky and he doesn't become a ghost."

GUARD 2: "I'm not gonna chance it. I'm out."

(Guard 2 whips out his phone; another spaceship appears and beams him up then disappears)

GUARD 1: "Fine, leave me alone with this crazy planet. If I get killed by the KK-kops before I get back inside, it's not my fault."

(Guard 1 sees a group of police officers with KKK hoods and guns)

GUARD 1: "Yikes!"

--

(Act 3b / Finale: As Trump argues with the judges directly, Biden prays for God to intervene)

TRUMP: "I put three of you guys in the court for a reason. I didn't just want the end of Obamacare. I didn't just want Roe V. Wade overturned. If I had known you were going to reject the states fighting to overturn this election, I never would have put you here in the first place. You should be thanking me for nominating you. After everything I did for you, you should be doing everything for me."

CLARENCE: "I thought that was the Senate's job."

TRUMP: "I don't wanna hear it, I don't wanna hear it."

CLARENCE: "I was willing to let the other suits go to court, but Roberts said no."

TRUMP: "No one said in public who dissented, so I don't know who's siding with me. In case Neil, Brett, and Amy are not with me on this, I am so disappointed in you. What's the point of having you here if you're not with me 100% of the time?"

GORSUCH: "Even Trump loyalists have limits, except for maybe Ted Cruz and Jim Jordan."

TRUMP: "I'm disappointed in you, Neil, for letting the Manhattan DA see my taxes. And you too, Brett. I let the feminists burn both of us alive because I trusted you to do my bidding at all times. You and Neil were supposed to keep my taxes top secret forever, and you didn't, so now I need to raise my lawsuit against Biden for two billion so I can NOT bribe the IRS into cutting it out with the taxes."