Drabbles - Oneshots and Imagines

Chapter 3 - QI (Alan Davies)

(A/n) same idea as the last two chapters, I think I'm gonna divide this book into sections of different fandoms and then write onsheshots/imagines within those sections.
Based on Series 2 episode 12 (from the YouTube video 'Alan Takes Over QI')

"Now we move onto general ignorance." explains Stephen as he glances down at his pile of cue cards.

"God, no. I don't want to do general ignorance." Alan complains to Stephen.

"Why not?" Stephen asks, chuckling slightly at Alan's reluctance.

"Because I always get them wrong and I will not be humiliated at Christmas." explains Alan.

"Well, you're the one that likes getting them wrong so that you can set off the klaxon dear." you explain to Alan.

"You also don't know anything, so that doesn't help." Adds Stephen, unable to resist a small jab at your husband.

"You have all the answers, so there's no point telling me that I don't know anything" Alan explains to Stephen, he then turns to you and says "and you just know everything which is really unfair to everyone else." This makes the audience burst out into laughter and you just shake your head at Alan with a fond smile on your face.

"You think it's easy for me, do you?" Stephen asks.

"Yes, I think it's quite easy for you." Alan admits and you can't help but agree with your husband, as Stephen does have all the answers in front of him throughout the show.

"All right, why don't you sit here, and I'll sit there." Stephen explains, getting out of his own seat and gesturing to it whilst he moves towards Alan's. The audience begins cheering at Stephen's suggestion but Alan is reluctant to move.

"No, no, it's Christmas time and it's tradition for the servant to be served by the master." Stephen explains as Alan moves into his chair.

"What about me? Do I have to remain as a contestant then?" You ask, feeling slightly left out at the rare opportunity to embarrass Stephen.

"No, no, you can sit with me dear." Alan explains to you, he gestures for you to sit in his lap whilst he sends you a cheeky wink. This earns a few wolf whistles from the audience at his suggestion.

"Oh, all right then." You agree and get out of your own chair to go and sit with Alan. You perch yourself on his left knee and rest your legs in between his, your right hand loops around behind his neck for support and you feel his left arm slide around your waist to help stable you. Unable to resist, you give Alan a kiss on the cheek as you settle yourself onto his lap. The audience lets out more wolf whistles at your action and Alan merely stares directly into the camera and raises his eyebrows with a smirk on his face. You see this and light slap his chest.

"Oh stop it you." You jokingly scold him for his actions. Alan then pulls out some sheets of paper with numerous questions and answers on them. He unfolds the paper and glances through them, before deciding on a suitable question. He shows the question to you and you laugh and nod your head, agreeing that he should ask Stephen that question.

"Okay Stephen, I've been waiting for this opportunity." Alan reveals whilst letting out an evil laugh that no doubt unsettles Stephen.

"A question just for Stephen. Who plays in goal for Aston Villa?" Alan asks which makes the audience burst into laughter knowing Stephen's obliviousness to football teams and their players. Stephen let's out a groan and taps the desk repeatedly as he attempts to answers Alan's question.

"I do know you've got a Swede called Thomas Sorrinson who plays in goal, but has he been taken over by Stefan Postar?" Stephen asks, Alan let's out a sigh of disappointment as Stephen answers the question correctly.

"Which is your number one?" Stephen asks as he adjusts his glasses.

"Thomas Soranson's our number one. He's actually Danish but I'll give you that." Alan answers, sounding disappointed at Stephen's surprisingly accurate football knowledge. Alan then hands you a piece of paper to read over in an attempt to find another question for Stephen. You find one and point it out to Alan who nods in agreement as you read out the question.

"Another question for Stephen. You probably all know this one, what was Mozart's middle name?" You ask Stephen as you and Alan simultaneously turn your heads towards him. Stephen laughs and decides that this is a trick question.

"Well I don't know, you're the smarty pants." Alan jokes causing everyone to laugh.

"Oh bollocks. You want me to say Amadeus so I'll say Amadeus." Stephen answers. This causes the klaxons to go off as you and Alan both shake your heads in mock disappointment at Stephen.

"Wolfgang" you answer "his full name was Johann Chrysostomus Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart."

"Although he usually called himself Wolfgang Amard not Amadeus." Alan corrects.

"Or Wolfgang Gotlich" you add.

"This is a question for Stephen Fry. How many states of matter are there?" Alan asks.

"Oh hullo. Well, I suppose if you count plasmas then 4." Stephen answers, causing the klaxons to go off yet again.

"Four is wrong. There are six." Alan corrects Stephen.

"I'm surprised at you Stephen." You tell him, shaking your head with a look of disappointment on your face.

"They are of course: solid, liquid, gas, plasma, Bose-Einstein condensate and fermionic condensate." Alan informs everyone.

"Gosh darn." Stephen exclaims snapping his fingers in mock frustration.

"This question's for Stephen Fry." You continue.

"Alan Davies hunched in front of his pub trivia machine like 'That's a good one' 'I'll have that one'." Phil jokes, you laugh at his joke knowing that it was completely true and remember the countless hours Alan spent hunched in front of the computer and rummaging through different trivia quizzes.

"Do you know Phil, that's actually alarmingly accurate. " You admit, causing everyone to howl with laughter at Alan trying to outsmart Stephen and embarrass him for once.

"Which way does the bath water go down the plug hold in the Northern Hemisphere?" Alan asks Stephen once everyone had recovered from their laughter.

"Whichever way you want it to." Stephen answers and Alan's face drops as he answers the question correctly.

"You push it to go one way and push it to go the other, I've tried it." Stephen explains as Alan searches for another question to ask him.

"Oh, yeah that's true." Alan answers in disappointment as he flicks through the QI cards searching for another question.

"I've got one." You tell Alan. Alan turns his head towards you and cocks his head to the side as if he's a confused dog.

"Stephen." You begin.

"(Y/N)." Stephen answers, causing you to smile.

"When is Alan's birthday?" You ask, knowing he'd forgotten it once before and had gotten the date mixed up a few times. The audience let's out an "ooohhh" at your question as they watch Stephen in anticipation.

"I do know it." He begins.

"Do you?" You question him with a smirk on your face.

"Let's just say if you don't get it, I'll be very offended." Alan admits, making everyone laugh at Alan's honesty.

"No, I do know it. I just mix up the date that's all. It's the.....6th of March." Stephen answers.

"Dammit" you exclaim "I really though I had you with that one." You admit.

"I won't lie. I am slightly offended by how long it took you to answer." Alan admits making everyone laugh.

You get up off of Alan's lap to move back to your chair, but before you did Alan keeps his arm wrapped around your waist and brings you towards him and kisses your forehead lightly. You send him a small smile and stand on your tiptoes to kiss his cheek lightly before moving back to your seat opposite him. The audience let's out an "awww" at your display of affection and Stephen returns to his own seat to continue the show.