Journal Entries

The Park

The park has always been one of my favourite places. It's solitude and idyllic tranquility fills me with something nothing else can quite match. Well apart from you.

But you're not here anymore, hence why I'm currently sat on a park bench in the middle of the night holding on to some cheap bottle of alcohol, as it's the only way I can forget you; forget us. It blurs your face until you're unrecognisable to my wretched mind, and fills me with unnatural burning warmth in my very core.

I take another sip-or maybe it was a gulp-as I succeed in my goal. I am now too fuzzy and hazy to think clearly. My thoughts are like the murky water in the park lake, and my head feels like it's been stuffed with cotton wool. Sighing, I lie down on the chipped park bench and pull my stupidly thin hoodie-with the remnants of your scent still lingering, woven into the very fabric of the worn material-against my numb chest.

My breath clouds above me and I stare at the night sky, with the stars obnoxiously twinkling far above me. They disgust me; they provide me with a false sense of achievement as they lay there, just beyond my searching fingertips, omnipresent yet distant. To cheer myself up and stop myself from almost drowning in my sorrows-or whatever you call this godforsaken bottle-I remind myself that the stars are just large balls of gas destined to one day explode and fade into dust and nothing. It's amazing what sort of things you get from GCSE Physics at 2 a.m. in the morning.

All of a sudden, I feel an uncomfortable yet familiar presence at the foot of the bench. I raise my head slightly, trying to decipher the dark shadows.

"Knew I would find you out here."

I grunt in reply, trying not to reveal how much hearing your gravelly voice affects me. You probably knew anyway. I was like an open book around you, even when I tried to close myself away, you could always read me so easily. I was like a well-read tome, worn and frayed around the edges and you could almost recite parts of me off by heart.

"The park always was one of your favourite places, huh."

I sigh despondently this time.

"Look, I," you sigh, running your hand over your face like you were unexplainably tired with the world, and especially me. "I'm sorry okay? What I said was way out of line and I knew how much it would hurt you. Hurt us."

I roll over, staring at the numerous blades of grass, my hand drooping down to try and stroke the shards that pricked my fingers, yet felt soft and soothing as I ran my hands continuously through them.

"But I miss you. I can't sleep for worrying over you, where you are and what you're doing right now. I need you beside me, you are the only person who truly understands what it's like to be me, who understands how I feel and think. You're the only person who gets me, and I can't-won't-lose you. You mean so much to me and it physically pains me not to have my teammate by my side, I can't function or be myself without you."

I smile at this, the thought of you in pain somewhat comforting to my distorted mind.

"And God I'm so sorry for what I said, I can't believe I went that far, that cold-hearted, that malicious. I hate myself for it. But please, accept my apology, and just speak to me. I'm starting to go crazy without you."

I can tell. You have 3-day old stubble outlining your jaw and neck, and you look like you haven't slept since our argument. Good.

I sit up, and exhale.

"It's just hard, you know? After everything we've been through, it broke my heart to hear you say that sort of things. I just needed a break from everything. I needed to think things through, have a recuperation period, sort my mind out."

You nod in complacent understanding, and it's then that I realise that I could never be without you, no matter how many inane arguments we endure. You're my cliff when I'm about to fall into the abyss, my anchor when I'm drowning, and a thousand other lovesick metaphors.

"But," I see the glimmer of hope in your eyes, even though it's dark, and I can't help but smile a wan smile. "I'm missing you too. I miss you holding me until we both fall asleep, or your atrocious cooking, or how you wake me up by overuse of pillows or cups of tea. I miss sitting up until 4 a.m. and having Netflix marathons. I miss coming to the park and talking about everything and nothing and all the things in between. I miss talking about our futures, our hopes and dreams, our ambitions. I miss discussing the greater questions in life, or the insignificant ones, whilst we watch the sunsets in the back garden next to the broken swing set. I miss you, because, well, the thing is, I love you."

There, I've said it. Maybe it's the fact that I'm moderately intoxicated, or that I just feel more open when I'm in the park, and you can't see the slight fear in my tired bloodshot eyes, but I've said it.

"Good, because, well I've been thinking the same thing as you." You grin and I just want to hug you until the sun rises up again.

"C'mere." You beckon to the spot next to you, currently taken up by my rather fetching converses with the scuffed heels and the muddy laces.

I swing myself until I'm sat up and hug you sideways, breathing in your scent, and feel like I'm back home.

"God, I've missed you. I'm so sorry, I would never-"

I cut you off by kissing your lips, and they taste like you mixed with this cheap alcohol. You smile into it, and reach up to hold my face gently in your calloused fingertips, and I know that for now, everything will be fine.

Hello, sorry I've never really posted an a/n on here. This rambling or short story is a bit different as it's longer, and has a whole load more dialogue in it. i hope you enjoy it, and any comment or criticism will be gladly and willingly received, especially as I'm considering entering this to the BBC Young writers Award 2015. So please, give me any criticism you may have, because I really need it! :)