Hamilton | There's Nothing Like Summer In The City

Introducing A Failure

10/10/2020, 10:14

324 Emerald Drive, [REDACTED], United States of America, Earth

Ash Jameson was going to be the most important person on Earth in approximately five and a half weeks. She'd be given medals and be given speeches, be honored across the globe, and go down in the history books.

At the moment, though?

She'd fallen asleep on her dog while watching Tangled.

Her dog didn't mind.

Kelsey was, in fact, one of the few things Ash was allowed to get for herself.

(Needless to say, the government did not know about the seventeen VPNs she used on a daily basis to pirate shit.)

Ash, of course, being the only test subject who hadn't dramatically failed, was supposedly given 'special privileges', but all that really meant was that the government treated her in a manner that vaguely honored her rights.

And having a dog, she'd decided, fell under her ninth amendment right to have other rights.

As the movie ended, Kelsey, being a dog, and therefore a being with limited patience, stood up and knocked Ash off the couch.

"Hey! Fuck off, I was sleeping."

(After she'd used her eighth-grade education and demanded the government respect her fourth amendment right to privacy and also some goddamn happiness, they'd taken the listening devices out. This was something she used often, mostly for cursing and plotting government-overthrowing plans.)

Groggily, Ash climbed back up onto the couch. "Oh, c'mere, fuckface, it's okay, baby girl. Give cuddles, okay? Cuddles!"

Within the next five hours, both her and Kelsey's lives were about to change dramatically, and Ash could vaguely sense that. It had felt like an auspicious day when she went to sleep at six am.

Of course, neither Kelsey nor her beloved owner could've predicted that it would've actually changed in that second.

Something cracked outside, and Ash whipped around.

(Being kept under government surveillance, no matter how light, tends to make one paranoid. And with hyperactivity, everything became much quicker, trust me.)

"What the fuck was that?"

Kelsey whined, having absolutely no idea what was going on.

Carefully, Ash crept to the door, and then promptly kicked it open, grabbing the nearest weapon she could find.

That was the moment her life changed forever.

Because, you see, on her doorstep, there stood a rather confused and very disoriented man.

"Who the fuck are- Daveed Diggs?" Ash screeched loudly.

"Who?"

"What are you- oh my god, I have to call my friend, um- Jesus, shit, uh-"

"Are you alright?"

"Wait, shit, you're French!"

The man blinked. "Er- yes? That would be correct?"

"LAFAYETTE?" Ash yelled, even louder than her previous screech.

"Actually, yes, that's me. How did you know?"

"You're Daveed Diggs... but French. I dunno. Fuck, I though you were fictional! Or, at least, this version of you, because obviously Old White Dude Lafayette is real, but... fucking hell, this opens so many possibilities!"

Lafayette stared at Ash, for good reason.

After all, it isn't every day you appear on somebody's doorstep and find out that it's a 4'11 woman with a sword who's clearly in the middle of a breakdown or something.

"Oh my god," Ash muttered. "You're from an alternate reality! That is so! Fucking! Cool!"

"There's only one reality, I'm afraid," Lafayette said kindly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Ash laughed.

And kept laughing.

Very obnoxiously.

On purpose.

"Boy, if you think you're going anywhere," she snorted. "The entire property's fenced in, buckaroo. If you don't wanna get on the government's radar, you're sticking with me."

"And what if I want to be on the government's radar?"

Ash pointed the sword at him. "Listen here, buddy. Clearly you lived in a different America than me. Well, yeah, no shit, that's the point of an alternate reality, but you get it. You, my dear dumbass, are from... what, 1780... 1793, according to how you're dressed, and let me just tell you, you do not mess with our fucking government."

"You make it sound like it's a bad thing. The government, that is," Lafayette stated calmly.

"Oho. Oho. Ohohohohoho. It is. It absolutely is. Definitely. Listen, fucker, there is way too much shit to tell you everything, so you get your ass inside. Now."

"But-"

"I have finally been given a friend from another reality," Ash spat, "and I refuse to let you be a conservative for another minute. Now, before I skewer you and make you Bouncy Baguette Boy kabab, you're going inside, and you're shutting your fucking mouth."

"I'll have you know that I'm older, and-"

"Oh, loosen up, motherfucker. Blah, blah, blah. Get in, or get murdered, because I just woke up and I have very little patience."

With the not-so-gentle reminder of Ash's sword poking in his back, Lafayette made his way inside, muttering curses under his breath.

"Right, now, take a seat," Ash commanded, slamming the front door, "and let us begin."

"With what?"

"Christ, dude, chill. I thought you'd be way more like how you used to be in like... 1781."

"I've matured."

"Arguable. You know, the first thing that develops on a human fetus is the asshole."

"And?" Lafayette sniffed.

"You've gone back to that stage."

"You've known me for two minutes-"

Ash raised an eyebrow and pointed the sword at a chair. "Sit."

Lafayette sat.

"Now," Ash smiled, "let's talk history, and the difference between my reality and yours."

And so began the story of how Ash Jameson saved the world: with her being a little bit of a bitch.

Don't worry.

She'll get bitchier as it continues.