Apartment 5C

five.

"Are you still experiencing the nightmares?" the familiar male voice breaks me out of my concentration on the patterned pillow laid over my lap.

I continue to stare at the intricate designs as I respond, "Every night still. I fear they won't go away."

I glance up to my therapist of the past 2 months and watch as he scribbled on his oversized notepad that sat on the knee of his crossed legs. His right pant leg was slightly lifted, revealing a boring pair of black dress socks. I look down at my feet and slightly smile at the socks I had on peaking out from my docs. They had a bunch of bears over them clutching a honey pot. There were very few simple pleasures in life that still brought me joy, boringly enough fun socks were one of them.

"You witnessed a very traumatic sight the night of Jasper's accident. It's completely normal to have recurring nightmares about these things." He pushed the bridge of his glasses up and flashed me a warm smile that was dripping with pity and remorse.

Normal. Is that what you categorize someone who saw their own brother get pinned between a car bumper and a guardrail before ultimately falling 60 feet to their death off a bridge?

"Describe this dream to me again. Usually they will progress as you keep having them. Have they changed since the last time you spoke of them?" I look back up from the headache inducing pillow, tugging my lip between my teeth as I grew increasingly nervous.

"It's the same every time." I begin to describe my dream to him as if I had rehearsed it a thousand times.

"La La, let's just go for a walk. You need to get out of here." Jasper called me by his nickname he's had for me ever since we were children. He had a slight speech impediment and using this version of my name was easier for him.

We were at Jace's end of the year party. He had gotten extremely drunk and rumors were circling around that him and Brianna were seen together being a little too comfortable with one another. He denied these claims when I confronted him. I believed him for some odd reason.

"Let me grab my coat." I begin to stand up from my spot against the wall in a deserted hallway. Jasper only found me because I frequented this spot at parties when I got bored.

I go into the door next to me that led to Jace's bedroom, quickly grabbing my black leather jacket before exiting to join Jasper again.

We make our way out the front door unnoticed and begin walking down the street.

"Left or right?" Jasper refers to our two options.

"Right." I smile before taking the lead down the sidewalk.

We walk in silence for a few minutes, passing a few extravagant houses and 3 poorly lit street lamps that were destined to give a seizure with their constant flickering.

"Do you believe Jace?" Jasper breaks the silence. His tone indicated he felt he was walking on eggshells, speaking in a way to read carefully around the potentially sensitive topic.

"I'm not sure. He says he didn't do anything with Brianna, he was just close cause the music was loud and it was hard to hear her." I shrug passively.

"People weren't saying that they were just standing close together, Lana." His tone was stern. Jasper and I shared one thing in common when it came to speaking. We were both very blunt. A lot of people claimed us as harsh and insensitive. But life was too short to bullshit people.

"I'll worry about it later. Tonight I just want to have a nice walk with my brother and not think about high school for 5 minutes." I bump playfully into his shoulder that was covered by a black denim jacket. We were dressed similarly in black. "How are you?" I inquire.

Jasper hops off the curb suddenly to splash into a shallow puddle before rejoining me on the sidewalk. I chuckle at his childish actions before doing the same thing, only this time I splash Jasper with the questionably clean run off.

"You bitch!" He playfully yells before wiping the few droplets off his freckled skin. I just laugh deeply in response.

"I've been good. I'm finally getting over Arie. I know it's only been a few months but I'm finally accepting it's over."

Arie was Jaspers ex-fling. They were pretty much a couple, but when the time came for Jasper to ask her to make things official, she rejected him and went crawling back to her ex who was in college. It took a toll on him. Jasper already dealt with depression pretty badly, so it hit him a little harder than the usual breakup.

"I'm happy for you. You deserve so much better, I've told you that before. But I'm glad you're starting to see that yourself."

We were starting to approach an overpass bridge that sat next to the highway. The bridge sat over a beautiful lake that had one of the best sunset views. There was a guarded off sidewalk to allow pedestrians to walk alongside the main road.

"Thank you. I am too—" Jasper cut himself off at the sound of a loud screeching car heard from around the corner.

We both make eye contact with wide eyes.

"That didn't sound good." We both say in unison before muttering a jinx.

We continue walking on the bridge's side pass, reaching the middle before stopping to admire the view over the water.

The moon was almost full. It casted its luminescent light beautifully over the large landscape of water and trees. If you squinted your eyes enough to block the sides of your peripheral, you wouldn't be able to see all the cookie cutter houses and you'd forget you were in the middle of suburbia.

We stayed silent for the next few moments, just enjoying the still silence together. The silence was broken abruptly by the sound of the screeching car again, only this time it was much closer--extremely closer. The sound of tires burning against the asphalt was almost deafening. It was so loud that it almost seemed to be right behind us.

"And then I wake up." I shift my gaze from the lamp beside the therapist's side up to meet his intent stare. He actually seemed to be listening rather than just analyzing me and ignoring me to take his notes. 

He doesn't say anything at first. The only sound in the room being an obnoxiously loud clock that sat idly next to the lamp I was so focused on moments ago. I begin to pick at the pillow again that was pressed against my lap. I didn't know if I should continue to describe the night Jasper died or just ask him how I can make the dreams stop. Luckily the timer counting down the minutes of our session makes the choice for me. My therapist quickly silences the incessant noise before turning back to look at me.

"I'll have your physiatrist prescribe you something to help you sleep. We can pick back up in next week's session. But in the meantime I want you to try dream journaling. Even if they are repetitive dreams, write them down every time they occur. You'd be surprised at what dreams can tell us."

I resist the urge to scoff at his lackluster response. I already know what this is dream is telling me. It was telling me I witnessed a tragic accident and am still processing the aftermath of it all. It wasn't even a dream nor a nightmare to me. It was my reality. And my reality was fucking haunting me.