2am and I can't find peace of mind . Not a new occurence but different this time. It feels sinisterly heavy and I see one way to fix this heaviness, seeing through a tunnel vision. 
          I am scared of what I'm thinking. I'm not who I'm thinking I am.  Please stop.  Make it stop.  
          I'm just trying my best to live.  

I feel so desperate and horrible and my heart ...
          It doesn't feel real
          I don't feel real
          I want to cry
          I don't have a heart 
          I don't deserve to cry
          But i selfishly want to shed tears 
          I want to feel humane 
          I want to be seen like a human who lived a life worth living.
          I don't want to be seen machine like , robotic. 

I had a girlfriend 
          Had one 
          For a week 
          It was like a dream 
          
          I wanna re tell everything 
          To myself 
          From my version, my side
          How i felt 
          How i saw it
          
          No matter how many times I say it 
          No matter what I do
          It wouldn't change anything 
          Neither the good nor the not good part of it 
          
          I love it
          For as long as I felt cared for 
          As long as we loved each other and fought for and with each other, 
          She doesn't care now 
          So , it's perhaps all over 
          
          We're less than friends now 
          
          That's how I feel she'll say otherwise 
          
          She'd say we are friends and more , always. 
          She'd tell me it's me who made it this way 
          
          Well yeah 
          I got hurt and gave back the same energy by 10% 
          It hurt her 
          Of course she'd say that
          I was childish and honest 
          so it became brutal to her 

Accepting that I'm fucked in all senses has made it easier for me to drift into a peaceful mental state of accepting the chaos and pathetic ass heart within this life of mine. 
          
          What's a person without his heart that's ready to be ripped out of his chest , a body that's gonna fall apart at any moment, mind that'll lose its sanity with minor inconvenience.
          
          I'm a child ,  Not of my parents but of evil.  
          I set them apart . Those two people differ too much from me to be my parents, too good to be my parents. 
          
          I must have been born from a boon rooted in curse , meant to encircle  it , carrying an insatiable void consuming any light,qq unstoppable light that pierced through the path  of the abyss .  All the good light gets consumed by this void I'm existing with. 

Fandom hopping is so fun i love it so much. Engaging with multiple shows and media and games has kept me busy enough to feel happy about getting to live to witness these greatness.
          Attack on Titan 
          Solo leveling 
          Code geass
          Spyxfam  
          Literally living for these 
          
          Hehe I finally became a lads player last December. My snowcrow main ass is having a feast now that I've unlocked sylus. ️️
          
          Literally the best way to live
          Study like a GENERATIONAL NERD
          Work like a dog
          Eat like a god 
          Chase money 
          Love and protect guardians And sibling 
          Have a sleep schedule of a monarch 
          Love fictional men and women and non binary baddies 
          And daily reminder to not fall in love 
          To not dedicate all your heart unless it's commander erwin telling you to do that himself.
          
          
          

Please don't report my posts if you read them
          
          I used my space to vent
          
          I don't intend to trigger u with my posts
          I don't even announce my posts 
          
          They're just reflective of my irl feelings, thoughts and experiences 

I don't say anything to anybody 
          I just vent here because nobody sees me here
          At least i can express my real emotions here beside my uncountable diaries 

I've read your whole mb, give me your insta id 

November has fallen on the crown of my head 

That time of year again. I kinda wish I was never born .