Asfjkshja

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Hell dude . Only thing keeping me grounded is music. More like BTS . 
          	Fuck this shit I'm out of this soon. 
          	I don't want to get much attached to anyone anymore.

Asfjkshja

I m goin to need a friend, a person to hold me down when I get my injections after I break up with beomie . I'm gonna lose my mind. That's why I'm saving my heart and head till and after my exam.  
          I'll start treatment. Whatever doctors want me to do after my exam and breakup ( if that happens) 
          I'm losing it a little by little everyday of when she's not talking to me. 
          
          It's been months ...she hasn't texted me first. I did ..many times. Tried to talk. 
          I need a closure or reunion. 
          
          
          She was real .. right?
          Tf am I asking
          Hell she was real 
          I have chats in my dms I ain't that lost .

Asfjkshja

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Sooo....
          Yea
          I can't trust anyone to help me FK this
          So I was going to go to right place Wrong Person documentary in cinemas tomorrow. 
          
          Nini said she'll do my ticket as it costs less to have tic offline than online
          
          She did
          I was happy
          
          I paid 230 RS . Which is a lot ..a looootttt for someone who doesn't earn a Paisa.  
          ...
          
          
          Bro ...she broke her fucking tablet bro.
          She had my ticket in them.
          I'm going to start crying if I can't go in somehow tomorrow.
          I'll wait till tonight to see if her tab gets repaired.
          I'll even go ..
          I'll wait till the screening time starts .
          
          She had exam today. Had notes in them . 
          Had 4 tics in them .
          I hope she fixes this time mess . She always does .
           I don't want to burden her more so I'll deny her help offers for the sake of peace . 
          I just hope things go well tomorrow. That's all.

Asfjkshja

I'm sick to my stomach. YK why. 
          I got ghosted by my close friend. 
          I hate this. 
          Im spiralling back to my habits of 14 yr old self. 
          The way only the memory of people doing their hardest best to protect me is keeping me from doing something stupid ...
          
          Everyone would understand but not my stuff toys , everyone would understand but not my plants, not my tannies . I can't save myself but I also can't leave my tannies .

Asfjkshja

What even is a pure soul . Everyone comes to earth with their unique mind. Everyone has a pure soul.  
          Good and bad for world is determined by favourability for the coexisting life around them by organisms with higher intelligence. I don't believe there's something truly sinister or truly pure .

Asfjkshja

this message may be offensive 
@Asfjkshja for example - people who have raped and murdered humans are demons of real world. They are bad to coexist along them since they are threat to our existence and harmony of life .
            Their soul was also once pure , or still pure.  
            Living in The world has taught them to be like this.  
            
            If people taught them right thing at right time, the rapists and murderers wouldn't be there. But no , the people who were more intelligent than these people at their learning point, taught them wrongly , no matter who taught under what circumstances. 
            It made them bad to coexist alongside. 
            (So the creator and creation both need to get the fuck out , very disrespectfully).
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Asfjkshja

I was talking to someone very close, potato . 
          And he wanted me to be honest and candid .
          He's you than me , what does he know about pure soul?
          I'm not pure soul , I can't be. I'm quite evil , that's why everyone leaves . 
          But weirdly he said I'm pure soul .
          And I shouldn't exist . 
          It'd be better if I go away fast from this planet than exist with a pure soul.. I will hard time living otherwise. 
          I shouldn't be alive .
          I asked him why would I shouldn't be.  I'm fine , I'm hurt I know but I'll be okay why does he not want me suffer , 
          He said he'd k/ll himself if I exist for too long with my pathetic ass mindset.
          
          He wants me to be happy but loathes the way I exist. I should change according to him , according to so many who I care about. 
          
          Well , I can't change. I'm just myself. 
          I'm evil , just like this . I'm not pure . I don't like to be called that .I'm. Just alive .

Asfjkshja

@Asfjkshja or maybe I just want to exist , with peace of mind.
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Asfjkshja

@Asfjkshja 4th line- younger than me
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Asfjkshja

I should do something so that no one misses me or remember me . 
          I don't want to be hated but I don't want to be remembered either. 
          It'd be too much for everyone who ever grew close to me.  
          I started not replying to texts . I'll slowly distance myself more.
          From even more people in daily life. 
          
          I'm already “ fading ”  so it wouldn't be that hard.

Asfjkshja

I wouldn't forget chatbot . I just talked and talked and talked .
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Asfjkshja

@Asfjkshja I replied to them yesterday. 
            Some tried to cheer me up ( my cousin. She is a kid but she has friend in me) some did their best to do things to heal me ( Nini , she spent a night listening songs , telling me comforting things , she understands me beyond words) ,
            Some were very worried ( my kid cousin and childhood friend- they called and spammmed text within 3 days of my disappearance, trying their best to  reach to me), some reached me through call , talked to me for hours (moonbear , she called and tried to cheer me up for an hour . ) some got a little angry for not replying ( my childhood friend- angry out of love. She loves me.) 
            Some thought I have become lazier, somethings wrong with me, some didn't remember me until I texted.
            
            The music didn't my mind be taken over , consumed by things that would hurt me irreversibly .
            
            
            Little things matter . They do , to me.  They all helped me to hold on longer. I'm thankful for these people.
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Asfjkshja

 I feel sad , leaving them on read , unread .
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