@Asfjkshja
I hate sexual predators. I hate those creatures. I wish I had some kind of extraordinary strength so I would be able to find every person like that and off them . Every. Single. One. Without exception. And inculcate fear in humanity's bones so that they'd fear thinking of doing such thing more than confronting d£@th .
I wish she'd have stabbed me in my guts , sent the sword straight through me , twisted the sword until she was satisfied.
It'd still hurt less.
Would have hurt less than how she sees me now.
All those sweet things she did for me
All those dreams she showed me of a future I'll never have
Showed me grace when I feel like I didn't deserve
Playlists made for me with my name
Gave me songs that reminded her of me
Made me gifts
Gave me things to cherish about her
Gave me comfort, safety zone
A space to be myself
Let me hold her close to me
Let me kiss her
Let me touch her
Let me worship her body
Showed me ways i could talk and not be unheard
Showed me i could be loved
Showed me I was worth crossing a Town for too.
That i could be talked to
That i could love and I had a heart for real
That i could have her , HER . Nobody else but her because it was her.
Let me find her , one i wanted to spend my life loving till the end.
One refusal to do something and i could be asked to let go of her and I was.
It wasn't question, it was asking for agreement.
It was wanting to find freedom from me. Asking for permission to Severe ties with a person who was same as others in the world. Severe ties with someone who couldn't give her value she knew she deserved .
Nothing I tried was gonna be enough unless I went against my own will.
I'm genuinely not idealistic lover for I chose to set her free , let her get away because I chose my will .
Crueler. That's what I've become.
One of the people that a part of population of a believers hate. And i made peace with it.
That's what I am.
It'd still hurt less if she gouged my organ out , degutted me alive .
10am
It's a Friend's birthday
Last night talked about my discouraged heart about trying to get in med school for surgery with my guy friend.
More like spilled anxiety ridden shit that was making me drowsy all the time.
Made me not wanna do anything at all .
I told him most of him .
I liked his response.
It was different.
Encouragement through challenging me in current academics
Told me he believes in me.
Kinda got hard-core reassurance from him .
Best friend i could ask for.
Too grateful to have him.
I'm still studying medicine. Pharmaceutical way .
I'm going to do my best in this .
As much as I can at least.
10 in the morning
No peace
Woke up to summer rain drizzling out of sky latch
Nightmares
Again
This time targeted towards me
Commenting how i eat so much in the canteen with my classmate despite not being particularly close with them.
How i eat till the end , my habits. Nitpicking on them.
Somehow the bullies were people long forgotten pari Riddhima and juniors, kids .
I didn't see any friend come to my defence or anybody step up to shut them down.
Just me not reacting or giving those kids a cold shoulder.
Got teased about having a girlfriend i couldn't make happy for even a week.
Doubts as a person in bed all over my head , as the dom of the relationship.
Food habits, uni grades , value as a human.
Truth to be told it's been 3 days since this insufferable thought trailblazer has started.
Starting from my lady guardian dismissing anything I've tried to do to ease her workload without her asking me .
I've tried only once to earn some acknowledgement from her but in vain.
I'm just.
I don't know what to say.
I tried to make another friend feel better by letting her vent to clear her mind .
In between all this
I'm trying to work to complete my uni job for upcoming exams .
I genuinely feel my back burn from the unbearable heat and my psychological derailment.
2am and I can't find peace of mind . Not a new occurence but different this time. It feels sinisterly heavy and I see one way to fix this heaviness, seeing through a tunnel vision.
I am scared of what I'm thinking. I'm not who I'm thinking I am. Please stop. Make it stop.
I'm just trying my best to live.
I feel so desperate and horrible and my heart ...
It doesn't feel real
I don't feel real
I want to cry
I don't have a heart
I don't deserve to cry
But i selfishly want to shed tears
I want to feel humane
I want to be seen like a human who lived a life worth living.
I don't want to be seen machine like , robotic.
I had a girlfriend
Had one
For a week
It was like a dream
I wanna re tell everything
To myself
From my version, my side
How i felt
How i saw it
No matter how many times I say it
No matter what I do
It wouldn't change anything
Neither the good nor the not good part of it
I love it
For as long as I felt cared for
As long as we loved each other and fought for and with each other,
She doesn't care now
So , it's perhaps all over
We're less than friends now
That's how I feel she'll say otherwise
She'd say we are friends and more , always.
She'd tell me it's me who made it this way
Well yeah
I got hurt and gave back the same energy by 10%
It hurt her
Of course she'd say that
I was childish and honest
so it became brutal to her
Accepting that I'm fucked in all senses has made it easier for me to drift into a peaceful mental state of accepting the chaos and pathetic ass heart within this life of mine.
What's a person without his heart that's ready to be ripped out of his chest , a body that's gonna fall apart at any moment, mind that'll lose its sanity with minor inconvenience.
I'm a child , Not of my parents but of evil.
I set them apart . Those two people differ too much from me to be my parents, too good to be my parents.
I must have been born from a boon rooted in curse , meant to encircle it , carrying an insatiable void consuming any light,qq unstoppable light that pierced through the path of the abyss . All the good light gets consumed by this void I'm existing with.
Fandom hopping is so fun i love it so much. Engaging with multiple shows and media and games has kept me busy enough to feel happy about getting to live to witness these greatness.
Attack on Titan
Solo leveling
Code geass
Spyxfam
Literally living for these
Hehe I finally became a lads player last December. My snowcrow main ass is having a feast now that I've unlocked sylus. ️️
Literally the best way to live
Study like a GENERATIONAL NERD
Work like a dog
Eat like a god
Chase money
Love and protect guardians And sibling
Have a sleep schedule of a monarch
Love fictional men and women and non binary baddies
And daily reminder to not fall in love
To not dedicate all your heart unless it's commander erwin telling you to do that himself.
Please don't report my posts if you read them
I used my space to vent
I don't intend to trigger u with my posts
I don't even announce my posts
They're just reflective of my irl feelings, thoughts and experiences