@bantyoR Not bad at all, but it feels a bit direct, almost like a retelling of a story. I'd recommend adding in more details about the world itself, minor face movements, the effects of actions on the surroundings, how characters feel, etc.
Definitely don't be afraid to pull up a thesaurus and dictionary either, a variety of words will make it more engaging.
Remember; show, don't tell. At the start, Razen thought something would make Kumagawa more easily controlled. Try not to outright have him think that, and have more description of what would make him think that.
Also, I'd recommend reading the voices aloud to yourself, in the way you'd imagine them saying it. It will allow you to structure the actual dialogue better.
Example Kumagawa dialogue: "So tell me, whatever made you think that was a good idea? You may have friends in very high places, but believe me..... I have friends higher."
Overall, you've got a good premise. Just slow down, be more descriptive, and don't expose everything through dialogue.
