Many years ago, far more than you can count on your hands (no matter how freaky they are), man wandered this earth. And prior to that, he left the ocean along with many other creatures. He shed his scales and walked upright, taking in all that life had to offer. 

And then there was me. I never really got the memo, you know? My friends and family were kind of getting ready to leave, but I was busy doing...who knows what. And then they were like "If you don't come right this instant, we're going to leave you behind" and I was like "Hold on! I'm not ready! Just give me some tempus!" I was a nerd at the time. But they said, "No! Right now!" So... there we were... Scaleless and walking upright on land. Well, I did only half. And that's why I'm basically what you'd call a reverse mermaid at this point.

"Okay, cool story and all... But you're still two dollars short..."
"PLEASE! I NEED IT!"