InsertCoolUser1

Hey, I know I totally was supposed to be done with wattpad for health reasons but I got grounded and they took my phone and stuff, so I made a new account because I really missed you and I wanted to check in. I swear this is me and I hope you're okay

hate this feeling

my worst fear is that people will see me the way i see myself

quick question: is it normal for my arm to really ache randomly and then i cant use it at all? idk, it really hurts tonight and i can barely move it, let alone use it. and if i do try it sends shocks of pain through my body. idk what to do about this 

          
          tw!
          
          
          
          
          today is the ‘anniversary’ as i like to call it of when i tried to kill myself the first time. i was really struggling throughout the day and my friend noticed this, but everyone started talking about depression and how i deal with it (idek how they know about it but whatever)so i got pretty triggered, especially today. so i went to the bathroom and cut my legs and went out to clean them up at the sink (it was the middle of class so nobody was there) and i shit you not my bestfriend was standing there… i had blood dripping down my fucking leg. so i quickly cleaned it up and had a panic attack, and i checked my watch to see how fast my heart rate was going 140bpm. i ran back into class (it was in woodwork so the teacher didnt really care) and tried to calm myself down. i just texted them saying i was sorry and they said that they werent mad at me, just mad at everyone who was triggering me and they came to make sure i wasnt trying to kms, which i was considering. i love them ❤️❤️

its officially the 14th in my country…. today is not gonna be a good day (yes its only like 12:30am but still)

everyone say goodbye to my free time!!

so currently it is raining, which is still quite a big trigger for my family and even the dogs get stressed when it rains. but i was outside before the rain started, cuddling the puppies, trying to fend off tears and it started raining, i was trying to not have flashbacks so i sat down on the outside couch, most of the dogs immediately came to my side and started cuddling me, since they were scared too. all the dogs kinda went off in different directions except one, who was sitting in top of me as lay down. the raining got harder and my breathing started to pick up and i started to panic, this sweetheart of a dog noticed immediately and started licking my face (mind you, none of the dogs have ever had any service training) she was also trying to snuggle into my neck more. she calmed me down before the panic attack got too bad and we both had some much needed cuddles. the other dogs also came over again and we were sitting on the couch as i calmed down a bit more. i love my dogs and i would do anything for them, they are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

recap of the first day back at school (tw)
          
          
          i hated it.
          i got ignored, i felg like no one actually cares. the little progress i made over break is gone. i also left my blades at home and had a panic attack and fried in front of my friends, did they help? of course not! because im a worthless piece of shit who would be better of dead :)

(massive fucking trigger warning)
          
          
          
          
          
          im forced to eat
          i try to throw it up
          i cut
          i feel bad
          i try to sleep, i cant
          i cant get out of bed
          panic attack
          im forced to eat again
          i cut again
          i cry so hard i cant breath
          
          i go through times where i cant sleep for what feels like days
          i also go through times where all i do is sleep, just to escape the pain
          
          i go through times where im desperately searching for distractions, having to do something everyday.
          and i also go through times where i cant be bothered to get up, all i can do is sink myself further into shit
          
          there are times where im happy, and enjoy people
          and there are also times where i think everyone would be better iff without me
          
          there are times i try to get better 
          and there are also times where i cant find myself giving a shit, because its not like im ever getting better anyways
          
          there are times where im throwing up everything i eat
          and there are times where, no matter how hard i try, i cant
          
          there are times where i look in the mirror and go “alright, thats acceptable”
          and there are times where i cant look in the mirror without having a panic attack
          
          there are times where i dont cry for months, im just numb
          and there are times where my eyes are always red and puffy, and i cant stop
          
          there are times where i find myself thinking about my future
          and there are times where i think i wont have a future
          
          there are times where i dont want to die
          and there are times where its all i want
          
          
          this is the vicious cycle ive been stuck in and i will be stuck in until i finally grow the balls to end it all. i will be stuck until i decide to make everyones life better.
          
          
          im sorry for venting a bunch. i dont wanna annoy you