Ok, so I have several points...
1: Your idea is amazing! I truly love the concept.
2: You're trying to sound too academic... try simplifying your vocabulary so that your characters seem approachable. Try using smaller words and simple phrasing.
3: Have you taken a writing course before? I think you'd benefit from one. There are some mechanical errors that could be avoided with the right information.
4: The whole writing sounds the same. Your characters should think differently and Sound different, so there's a distinction.
5: You need breaks in your paragraphs. What I usually do is hit enter every time someone talks, so that there's a little separation.
6: Don't try to give away too much information at the beginning of the story. You can be vague and as the story develops, you reveal more and more information. Don't try to give it all in one go because then it sounds forced.
7: Use imagery... you can pain pictures with your words, so use that to your advantage, describe things in more detail. It will give your chapters more length and it will help your readers visualize better.
8: Try to avoid using bold or italic typeface unless you're trying to emphasize something. And even then, it should be in italics, not bold. If you want to make a distinction for when someone it talking I suggest using the enter key and " ".
