Ahem. My name is- oh wait hold on. *Sips cranberry juice*... That's better. My name is Steven James Swinford. I am a published author- dag nabbit! One second- *sounds of breaking glass and shouting* I apologize.

I bought an orangutan the other day and it was chewing on my ceiling fan.

I try to feed it a steady flow of trail mix when I can to calm it down but I'm running out of trail mix so he's going crazy. He bit me on the finger the other day and I got a pretty serious infection from it so I made him sleep in the shed, but it just seemed to make him more irritated.

Anyway, as I was saying; My name is Steven James Swinford. I'm a published author and a musician. I've been writing stories since I was six years old. I've only published one novel right now, but I have a dozen other projects in the work, including screenplays and short stories. I will eventually write and direct motion pictures, but books are where I'm at in the present.

To do away with confusion, I'm Steven James Swinford, not Steven Swinford. Steven Swinford was my dad's name. 

Oh, and some political editor name is Steven Swinford but that's not me either.

There was also a guy named Steven SwineFlu that tried to sell me some syringes the other day but...

Ok, you know what?

Just call me Steven James Swinford.

Alright, *sighs* I gotta go check on my other orangutan.