TW: Ranting, religious trauma
Okay, so… the reality of life has set in now that it’s summer and I have time to think about things. And I’ve realised, damn, adulthood is almost right around the corner. It’s simultaneously exciting and terrifying. I’ll have to move out in about three years to go to college despite not even being completely sure about what I want to do in the future. Sure I know I want to go into the medical field, but I’m unsure whether I want to be a radiologist or a mortician. But that’s not what scares me the most. What scares me the most is that I’ll finally have freedom to transition. And that’s terrifying to me. Years and years of conservative rhetoric has stuck into my mind and, even though I know Jesus loves me how I am, I’m terrified that I’m going to end up in hell. Just thinking about the future is enough to send me spiralling into a mental breakdown. I have too many things to learn before I’m an adult and I feel like I don’t have enough time to learn them all. Not only that, but I’m almost 100% sure that I’ll have to go no-contact with my conservative family because I’ll be openly trans and gay in the future. It’s hard. I’ve spent my whole life bonding with these people and even if they won’t love me, I can’t stop loving them. And I feel bad for my siblings I’ll have to leave behind to be yelled at and possibly even hurt by my parents. My older sister has already moved out and escaped because she got married about ten days ago. I know I’m next. It’s terrifying to think about. I’m terrified that I’ll be witch-hunted by my family. I’m terrified that I’ll end up getting married in a dress to a man like my father. I’m terrified to leave my extended family save for one aunt who isn’t homophobic or transphobic. I don’t know what to do from here on out. I could use some advice maybe, though I’m not sure how much that’s going to help. Anyways, I love you all. <3
