Hey, how do I look? That's what I thought.

"In a land that was once elsewhere, but now is here, I was the only one...except for the unicorn that I rode around in the garden where it was always starry." - Four year old me, on the subject of History and the existence of humanity. 

"How can anyone be bored with all these places to go? And then there is the whole world outside, too!" - Eleven year old me, on the subject of imagination and independent thinking.

"How...do...life..." - Nineteen year old me, on the subject of dropping out of college to pursue life as a professional pizza critic.

"Let me tell you a story..." - Twenty three year old me, every day...to everyone who will listen. 

I was telling stories before I could piss in a toilet or feed myself with a spoon. Speaking of spoons, I eat more than a Stegosaurus. Speaking of extinct, I can't remember a version of myself that didn't live off coffee and biscuits. 

Beneath my surly disposition beats the frosty heart of an unfeeling realist...but beneath that lies a human being who just wants to laugh. At the misfortune of others, because I'm genuinely an asshole. I enjoy a good verbal sparring.

BUT. Under all of those unfortunately undesirable layers of wit and wank, I just want to entertain you by narrating a nonsensical story after a quick game of accent roulette. 

Seriously, though. How do I look?