I’m sorry.
I’ve disappointed you all so much with my lack of posts but I’m really struggling with a lot of things
Mainly the will to live, I’m really finishing it hard to find worth and purpose for my own life. Everything seems so meaningless unless I achieve something big.
That is what I had always promised myself when I was younger in order to withstand bullying and the abuse within my family; do big things, become an object of envy.
And now I have grown up and I haven’t done any of what I promised to my younger self to prove to everyone I was worthy and valuable and could do so much
Perhaps my heart and interests are in the wrong place. Perhaps I’m chasing the wrong things to give me comfort but I can’t lie this society as much as I criticise it and understand it has also bewitched me in regards to what matters.
And it was so indirect, so discrete...
I’m not happy with my life, I don’t know what I’m doing academically, I’m already a years debt in for uni for a course idek I want.
I’m stuck with my lowkey abusive parents, but even when I moved out for uni I hated it (somehow I had become dependent on my abusive parents for emotion? Company?)
Idk what it is but it feels like my imagination of what I can do has been capped.
If feels as if I’m no longer free
I’m honestly tired.
I truly believe I had to announce this because I haven’t been taking care of this account or the readers who enjoy my work (which I personally always end up criticising)
I’ll try to do better.
X