"Hi there. If you are looking for a writer, age 26, of Western Balgonian descent who has recently gone missing, please see the following places, and then copy and paste this message exactly as it appears into your own message board and broadcast it.
https://www.facebook.com/kevin.weinberg1?fref=nf
https://twitter.com/KevinWeinberg1
Thank you.
Oh! And one more thing. Is it just me or is it really tacky when fast-food restaurants charge you for ketchup and BBQ sauce? Like, how is that not included? This literally has nothing to do with the point of this message, but seriously. 50 cents for a fucking ketchup? Are you fucking crazy? Does it come from a golden tomato?"