Probably the most prolific diary writer in the history of the world, I have been obsessively recording my crushes on females since the age of thirteen. I currently clock up half a million words per year, but never let on to the woman I'm dating that I jot down everything she says and does.

I LOVED my all-girls public school. Apart from mercilessly hounding Miss Williams, with whom I fell in love at first sight at the age of twelve, I was a model pupil. In my early twenties I swapped my Latin homework for drug-taking and squatting.

Having sported an 'I LOVE MISS WILLIAMS' tattoo on my left wrist for eleven years, I finally tired of the inane questions it encouraged and got a cover-up in 1999.

I'm a list-writing geek and a drummer. I play table tennis and make my own beer. I am not a stalker anymore.