A Life With Boys

Chapter 10

In the morning, I woke up crying from an awful dream full of fights and break-ups and demolished friendships. I had slept trough my alarm so I called school saying I was feeling sick and texted the same to mom, Amber and Evan. I almost sent a message to Vince as well but then it struck me that I was mad at him. I didn't like being mad and I wasn't good at it either.

I clicked on Vince's profile picture, which made me cry. He looked so kind and happy, smiling in front of the Eiffel Tower, tanned by the sun. He had never told me about Paris. I dropped myself to my bed, burrying my face in my pillow. After half an hour, my pillow was soaking wet and I was out of tears. Crying so much gave me a headache. I stood up to get some water. Luckily, I was home alone. Facing Dani or mom would double my misery. I missed dad.

I accidentally looked up in the mirror. All I saw was horror. My eyes and cheeks were red and swollen, my lips dry from the salty tears. My face made me burst out in some kind of shameful histerious giggle. I sat down in the middle of the bathroom; crying and laughing at the same time.

I was broke.

After the death of my father, I cried and cried and cried. Minutes became hours, hours became days, days became weeks. And then, suddenly, it was over. There was nothing left of me, not even a tear. I was totally depressed. And after I was beginning to crawl out of that depth, circumstances made me break down again.

It was different from crying about an enormous loss, it was different from feeling like you have nothing to live for. It was indescribably. Going from being happy to feeling really miserable. My father had been sick so I was somewhat prepared for his death. It still struck me of course. Especially due to me being the one who found him not breathing one evening. I couldn't cry then, all I could do was touch his hand and tell him how my day at school had been. My mother yelled and cried at me when she found out that I had been talking to a dead body for almost two hours.

But that had all been different. I went from mourning slowly into a depression. Yet, it hit me out of nothing. The anger and sadness of the previous day made me relive the death of my dad. It made me expierence it all over again, combined with my current problems. Yes, I was definitely in love with Vince though I hated him as well because of what he'd said and done to Russel. And I felt bad for Russel but I was also angry at him. All those feeling tore me apart.

I literally crawled back to bed. I hided under the wet, but warm blankets. I fell asleep again and woke up when my mother approached me and touched my head. I must have felt hot because she called the doctor instantly. Of course he couldn't find anything so he said that I must have catched the flu.

By the time the doctor had left, it was dinner time. I had skipped dinner the day before, too, so my stomach hurt. I hadn't eaten anything for more than 24 hours and still, I didn't feel hungry. But Dani forced me to eat. She shoved the food inside my mouth and I protested like a little child who doesn't like his vegatables. She made me chew while I cried like a baby. But somewhere deep inside me, I was thankful. My sister would be a good mother some day - if she took cooking lessons.

I stayed in bed the rest of the week. When Amber dropped by the first day, all she said in the first half an hour was "oh, dear". Later, she told be about the homework Evan wanted her to give me and she hoped that I would get well soon. She did visit some more times during the week and I knew she knew I wasn't getting any better. She must have felt a little hopeless, because my usual ever-gossiping friend was out of words.

"I miss you, you know," she said on a dreary wednesday in October.

I didn't reply because I hadn't spoken since the fight with Russel. I wondered if my voice would still work - the past week had felt like an eternity.