Bloodlust

Chapter Twelve

Will blinks at me, clearly unsuspecting of Thierry's position in my life. Nik, on the other hand, simply nods his head slowly, as if he had an inkling of this the whole time. That could be true, given my visceral reactions to anyone mentioning my long-dead love. I just thought it would be Will to figure it out, first.

"You...loved him?"

"You see," I begin, the comfortable irritation that I usually feel around these two dissipating in the presence of Thierry's grave, "the cost of my friendship is substantial. Those who I grew close to noticed the strange happenings around them; how their dreams were never fulfilled, how despair seemed to follow their every movement. I couldn't...I couldn't hurt them, but when I commit to a relationship, it's binding. I...I don't like to leave people. But all I do is hurt them."

Nik looks at me, his voice strangled. "So, when I asked you if..."

"Of course I feel sad, Nik. It's not that I'm sick in the head or I don't have emotions. I just...I can't find myself able to feel remorseful about what I've done when I've given my old friends longer and better and happier lives. Who would feel bad about that?"

"So everyone hates you for nothing?" Will says, raising an eyebrow. "Playing the victim card, I see?"

"That's over the line, William," I say quietly. "People have every reason to hate me. I've done very bad things and I did them very well. But that doesn't mean there wasn't a reason behind them or a vile temptation that accompanied them. Is it so hard to believe that I did it for others? That what I've become is not entirely my fault?"

"Yes," Will replies bluntly. "We always have a choice. The States had a choice to enter into World War Two sooner and save my babicka and dedecek but guess what? They didn't. You didn't have to kill people to avoid their fates." [translation: grandma and grandpa]

Rage trickles through me and even the calming presence of Thierry's consecrated remains do nothing to settle the flood within me. "No, I did have a choice and I chose what was best for myself. I would rather people hate me than die because of me, and that is where we differ, William Amstraat. If you had a choice between living lonely, forever, or having those close to you die within days, what would you choose? Don't lie. I'll know."

Will glares at me. "I would choose to live a lonely life."

"No, you wouldn't." I step closer to him, until there's a hairsbreadth of room between us. "You thrive on human connection, your witty jokes and pranks and anecdotes that lighten the atmosphere. You live for the smiles and laughs and brief seconds of happiness that you cause and you could never live the life I have led for hundreds of years. You are too much of a social creature and your heart has not been broken enough times."

Nik steps forward, the tension between us unbearable. Gently, he places a hand on my shoulder and a cold feeling runs through my veins. I frown, but shrug it off. France is chilly, now. "Nadya," he says quietly, "have you ever tried to end the curse? Find a witch to break it?"

"I have lived for centuries, Nik. I know when a spell is unbreakable. And yes, I have asked witches to fix it, to fix me, even, because if this fucking vampirism goes away, I'll be free from everything, everyone--"

The sound of flesh hitting flesh breaks through the cemetery, sending crows flying with loud caws and the deafening patter of wings. I hold my cheek in shock as I look at Will, who breathes heavily, madness decorating his face. "Why?!" he shouts, his face red with rage. "Why do you hate vampirism, vampires, so much? You're one of us; hell, you've been alive for longer than some of the damn Council members! So tell me, what is so unbelievably shitty about immortality and vampirism that makes you like this?!"

I simply stare at him.

Has he not understood yet? I don't understand how he couldn't have.

"My immortality is not the same as yours, Will," I start slowly. "I have to live without love, without friendship, without anything, and that is no life. You should know, you've spent the last seventy years punishing yourself for--" I stop myself before going further. "It's a joke anyway! Immortality doesn't mean you'll live forever, it means you'll get a half-existence that barely chalks up to living.

"I never wanted to be a vampire. My parents were turned first and then they turned me so we could live forever. I wouldn't wish this life on anyone; hell, if he wasn't already a psychopathic vampire killer, I wouldn't wish this life on Henrik Lyricson! I admit, I've turned more than a few people into vampires, but that was for their benefit, in cases I knew they needed it more than they needed a real life. So don't you stand there and shit on me for hating whatever this is when you know goddamn well it is not the same."

Will breathes heavily, glaring at me. "Why'd you bring us here, Nadya? Why...here?"

I avoid looking at him. "Tomasz. He...he was who I met with earlier. He threate....he made it so I had to tell you, alright?"

"What'd you buy from him?" 

I take the tickets from my pocket. "Tickets, to the presidential ball tonight."

Will rolls his eyes. "Because a Cadieux witch will be dancing with the president?"

"Yes, actually," I retort. "One does not anger the witches of France, especially not the Cadieux family and their coven. They're insanely powerful, you know."

"The Cadieuxs are hardly mentioned in the Council's historical records and they date back hundreds of years." Nik looks nonplussed at the mention of the witches and I find myself wondering about him. I know more than I wish to about Will, in ways that I must keep secret. But Nik...Niklaus, I know nothing about.

"Have you ever considered that the Cadieuxs are not mentioned because they don't want to be?"

"That doesn't stop the Council," Will says breezily. I glance at him, returning to his regular self. It was as if he and Niklaus switched bodies for a bit, something that tickled something in the back of my brain. I dismiss it as nothing more than a badly baked cake.

"What did I tell you earlier? The Council may be powerful, but they aren't divine. They know things they shouldn't, but that doesn't mean they know everything being kept from them. I have known my fair share of Cadieux witches, and let me tell you, they are the best-kept secret in the Otherworld."

I walk back to Thierry's grave and pat it softly, murmuring goodbye to his headstone. From my jacket pocket, I withdraw a small stone I picked up earlier and place it in the small alcove hidden at the back of the grave. He used to enchant the stones to fly in circles, making me smile and act like a child. If only I could've done the same for him.

Blinking back tears, I march to the wrought-iron gate at the front of the cemetery, the graves of Montparnasse looming behind me. Will and Niklaus fall into place beside me and the latter says quietly, "What do you mean, Nadya, when you say they are the Otherworld's best-kept secret?"

I smile. Based on the slight frown, but widened eyes that accompany his cold expression, I know that Niklaus understands. "As I said, Niklaus, a secret. Everything will be clear in a little while, but for now? We dance." 

merry christmas!!! what was your favorite present that you got?? mine was an Apple Watch!