Graffiti Night

I Can't Bare It!

When the tracks we leave behind (We left behind) Will be used as inspiration. - The Tracks We Leave Behind, Dream on Dreamer

Picture is Colin. Amber's dad.
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The first thing I hear is the steady beep of a heart monitor. My eyes flutter open and I realise it's my heart monitor. Immediately panic rises in me and I try to sit up. But everything hurts. I feel hands on my shoulders. I look up at the person.
Mac.
I stop struggling and relax. My breathing is faster and so is the beat of the heart monitor. I look up around and see that I'm in a hospital room. I allow Mac to push me down so that I'm lying down again.
"It's okay." He reassures me. I nod.
"How long was I out?" I ask.
"About two days."
"Oh." I say and look up at the ceiling. The bright hospital lights trigger something inside me and I immediately see the two headlights of the car coming towards me. I let out a small scream and screw my eyes shut tightly, tensing my whole body.
"Amber. Calm down. It's okay. You're safe." Mac caresses my cheek. I open my eyes and look at him. He has a sad look on his face as he sits on the side of my bed. It's the look he gets when he has bad news to break to me.
"Don't," I manage to croak out.
But that doesn't stop Mac from telling me what's happened.
"I'm sorry Amber, but Ryan's not longer with us." The words are like daggers to my heart. He opens his mouth to say something else, but closes it. My throat feels tight, like someone's wrapping their hands around it and I feel like there's a gigantic gaping hole in the middle of my heart. I close my eyes and try to wrap my head around it.
"Shit!" I curse. "I don't believe it. It's all my fault!"
"Amber, it's not your fault at all." Mac says softly.
"If we hadn't've gone out, he wouldn't be dead!" I snap, looking at him sharply.
"Amber." He takes my hand. I shake my head and try to picture life without Ryan. I can't though. Everything I do involves Ryan either picking me up or dropping me off or him calling me to see if I'm okay or me calling him to see if I can do something. Or him standing up for me in front of Colin.
I don't want to live any more.
I feel like crying, but I'm in too much shock and disbelief.
The door to my room opens and there stands Ali, Ryan's feyoncè, her eyes red and puffy from crying. She runs over to me and hugs me tightly.
"I'm so sorry." She cries. I hug her back.
"It's not your fault. It's mine."
"Don't you ever blame that on yourself." Just then a nurse comes in and tells Ali to leave. "I'll talk to you later and if not... At the funeral." She bursts into tears as she says funeral. She leaves and the nurse closes the door behind her. I taking deep breaths.. She walks over to me and pulls out a torch and her stethoscope. She listens to my heart beat and my breathing and nods approvingly. Then she turns on the torch.
"I want you to follow the torch light with your eyes." Mac squeezes my hand and the nurse shines the torch into my eyes. I immediately see the headlights again. Coming straight towards me. I scream again and cower into Mac. Mac wraps his arms around me and holds me close. I whimper and start crying into his chest. He hushes me and calms me down.
"I'm sorry." Says the nurse. "I didn't mean to arise any memories."
"Please just leave." Says Mac.
"But I need to-"
"Just leave!" Demands Mac, cutting her off harshly. She scowls at him and walks out, closing the door behind her. Mac pulls away and looks at me softly.
"Are you okay to go back home?" He asks. I hesitate but nod. Anywhere would be better then this place.
"I'll just go ask if you can leave." He gently gets up and leaves the room. He comes back a minute later with a spare change of my clothes and shoes. And my rucksack.
"My bag survived?" I say surprised. He smiles and nods.
"Put these on and I'll get you some crutches." He says.
"Crutches? Why do I need crutches?"
"Oh, haven't they told you? You twisted your ankle badly. So you have to go on crutches."
"Oh." I say. He leaves again and I start getting dressed. I pull my top over my head and then start struggling with my jeans. There's a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" I call.
"It's me." Mac replies.
"Come in. I kinda need help with my jeans." Mac appears in the doorway with a pair of crutches. He rests the crutches beside my bed and comes in front of me.
"Do want me to help?" He asks. I nod slowly. It's turns out my right ankle is the twisted one. He lifts my sore ankle up slowly and pulls my jeans up over them. I wince as I bend my ankle. He carefully pulls my jeans up more and then places a hand on my theigh. I look at him and he steps back. I do up my jeans and blush.
"I'm sorry." He says. I shake my head.
"It's fine." I go to stand, forgetting about my ankle, and end up toppling on top of him. He catches me and holds me steady as he gets the crutches. He places them under my arms and stays close by me as I start walking. It feels really weird.
After a few practises of walking on crutches, the same nurse comes in and tells me I can leave. I smile and nod thankingly. She smiles and walks beside me till we're out the front of the hospital.
"Now, you have to be extremely careful. Make sure you don't walk on it, otherwise we're back to square one. If you're siting on the couch or your bed and doing nothing, put ice on it and that should reduce the swelling." She explains. I nod and wait for Mac to open the taxi door for me.
"Thank you for... helping me." I say. She nods and then a look of sympathy crosses her face. I roll my eyes and let out a long sigh.
"It's no problem. And I'm so sorry to hear about your brother." She says, placing a hand on my arm. I nod and get in the taxi. Mac waves goodbye and gets in the passenger seat.
On the way home, everything makes me jump. The sound of a motorbike speeding past us, the sound of a car horn, whenever the taxi driver speaks. Anything and everything.
Finally we get home. Mac pays the driver and helps me into my house. He helps me lye down on my bed and gets me settled. Then he goes into the living room and finds my dad.
"Mr. Brooks?" He asks.
"Wha-what'dyou want?" I hear my dad slur. I shudder with disgust and close my eyes. All I see are the car headlights, shining as bright as the sun on a hot summer day. Then I see the shock and distress on Ryan face. Then I remember earlier that night when he was laughing about the prank he played on me.
I snap back to reality, my eyes opening wide, when I hear my dad roar.
"How much will all this shit cost!!??" He yells. I take in a deep breath. I cover my face with my hands.
I want to die.
I want to curl up in a little ball and fall into an endless sleep.
I ignore Mac explaining everything and my dad grunting and huffing in response. I try to sleep but I can't. I can't close my eyes for one second without seeing the headlights and Ryan's face and hearing his laugh. I feel someone tap my on my shoulder. I look up and see Mac.
"Pack a suitcase. You're staying at my house for a while." He says.
"Can you help me?" I ask. He nods.
"Of course. What do you need me to pack?"
"My suitcase is under my bed." I say. Mac pulls out a big black suitcase from under my bed and immediately puts my school uniform in there. He goes to my draw and gets all my clothes from in there and shoves them I to the case. Then he grabs my underwear and bras from the top draw and shoves them in there as well. He grabs two pairs of shoes. My black combat boots and my black converse. Then he starts zipping up my case.
"Stop!" I demand. He stops and looks up at me. I take in a shakes breath. "You need to go into... Ryan's room... and get me all his t-shirts and boxers. Only the clean ones. And then pack them. Please." He smile's softly and nods. He leaves the room and then returns with an arm full of clothing. He packs it in and then zips it up.
"Done." He smiles. He picks up my rucksack and slings it over his shoulders. Then he extends the handle on the suitcase and we get out of the house.
"Are you okay to walk to my place?" He asks. I smile sadly and nod.
"Yeah. I should be fine. Anywhere will be better than in there." I jerk my head back towards my house. He chuckles quietly and we start our short walk to Mac's place.
As I'm stepping up the steps onto Mac's front porch, my crutch misses the step and I fall backwards onto my arse. I groan in pain, biting down on my tongue hard to stop myself from crying in pain. Mac drops the suitcase and runs to my aid. He helps me up to my feet and hugs me tightly.
"Are you okay?" He whispers. I nod and hug him back. He helps me carefully get up the stairs and then grabs the suitcase. He helps me up the stairs to his room and then lies me on his bed.
"I'm gonna get you an ice pack. Are you hungry at all?" He asks. I nod and let him take my shoes off gently. He leaves and I catch my reflection in a small mirror sitting next to his desk. I have no makeup on. I look natural. It feels weird.
I rest my head back down on Mac's pillow and look straight up at the ceiling. My head feels crowded. Too crowded. Everything is happening too fast.
Ryan.
Mac.
My dad...
I just want everything to stop and rewind 10 years ago. When mum was around, and my dad hated alcohol.
I shudder and try to get comfy. Mac comes in with a bag of salt and vinegar chips, an ice pack and a bottle of coke for each of us. He let's me sit up before he puts the ice pack on my swollen ankle. He flicks on the TV and puts on The Bourne Legacy. He sits beside me and opens the chips and my coke. I look at him. He glances at me and then smiles.
"Thank you." I say.
"It's nothing." He replies.
"Don't say that. My brother just died and you saved me from my dad. It's way more than nothing." I say. He chuckles and shakes his head. "What?"
"It's just... I don't know."
"Yes you do. Tell me." I demand.
"It's just you."
"What about me?"
"I don't know!" He snaps angrily. Mood swings, my mind sings. He worse than me.
"Someone has their period." I suppress a smile. He glares at me and I roll my eyes.
"Look, I'm sick of us having these... these "moments", where we stare at each other with lovey-dovey eyes and then we kiss with such passion and fire. And then you just leave in a huff. Like I've broken your heart!"
"It's because you have!" I yell.
"What?! How?"
"It's was last year! Okay?" I look down at my hands. "It still hurts." I say quieter.
"What? Last year? You mean when I was with Bridget?" He laughs coldly. "You're unbelievable."
"I'm unbelievable?" I raise my eyebrows. "I had a freaking huge crush on you back then! You were all I saw when I closed my eyes! And then you decided you would go out with Bridget! And you knew! You fucking knew that I loved you! I- I wanted to smash your head in!" He looks taken back. I put a chip on my mouth and crunch it in annoyance.
"I-I..." He clears his throat, "I didn't know you felt that strong about me." He says quietly.
"Bullshit! Last year, you watched how awkward I was when you brought her over to my house when we, you and I, were going to study! She became a big fat pimple on my face that I couldn't get away from! Anywhere you were, she was there as well. And I got fucking sick of it! I couldn't talk to you about all the shit, that was getting bottled up inside me, without her being there and wanting to hear it as well! She thought she was being a "good girlfriend" in helping you answer your friends problems! She was a complete control freak who was a huge whore and guess what? I saw her hooking up with Mike, the captain of the football team, at a party! They were full on going for it. He was just casually sticking his hand up her skirt and she, while sticking her tongue down his throat, just happened to fucking rub his crotch! I think I saw them go into the guest bedroom and not come out for two hours! And you know what? I didn't tell you! Because you were so much more happier with her... And I didn't want you to go back to being your old dull self. I didn't want you to bang on about how she had been such a trustworthy girl and that shit! But I still got that when she broke up with you..."
All that answers me is silence.
More silence.
He rubs the back of his neck and let's out a sigh.
"Jesus." He says. "I didn't know all that shit happened." I nod and blink away tears. "Do you still like me?"
"Not like that." I reply. He nods.
"I'm sorry," he says after a while, "I actually had no idea you liked me then. I didn't know in you hated Bridget. If you'd told me you liked me, I would've totally asked you out."
"No, you wouldn't have."
"Yeah, I would ha-"
"No! Because I tried telling you how I felt about you and you literally laughed in my face and said "stop joking around.""
"Oh." He fiddles with his fingers. "I didn't remember that part."
"Yeah."
"I'm really sorry Amber. I didn't mean to hurt you. But you need to let it go. It was the start of last year, and it's almost the end of this year. I've completely blocked Bridget out of my head and you need to do so too." I stay silent. He looks at me and I just stare blankly back at him.
"Okay. I will." I say. He smiles a small smile, and I feel.... weird.
I didn't want to admit this, but I think I have a crush on Mac.
I smile back at him.
"So, are we all okay?" He asks. I laugh and nod. "Good." He wraps me in a big hug. I hesitate before hugging him back. And then everything hits me like a huge wave. I start bawling. Tears nonstop down my cheeks. But Mac's there the whole time.
"I'm here for you." He says softly, stroking my hair and cuddling me closer. I bury my face into the crook of his neck and don't stop crying for a good hour. But the the whole fucking time Mac holds me. And that's why I hate him. I hate him because I love him. Because he's always there for me. Because he has every single girls attention. Because he so kind. Because he knows how to lighten the mood and make me laugh. Because... he's him. He's Mac. And I fucking hate him for it!
After I've wiped my tears away, I take a deep breath. He keeps hold of my hand as I pull away from our hug.
"You okay? Got it all out?" He asks.
"A girl never gets all her tears out in one hour." I reply, shaking my head and smiling. He chuckles and kisses my fingers and hand.
"I'm guessing I'm in for another hour of it later tonight?"
"You bet!" I laugh. He keeps hold of my hand for the rest of the movie, that we don't pay any attention to. When it ends I sigh.
"I think we need to play." Mac suggests. I laugh and nod. He turns on his Xbox One and inserts Titanfall. He hands me the controller and I start playing.
It's about 7 pm when we're done and get called down for dinner. Sally helps me to my seat, taking my crutches once mi seated, and then serves me some spaghetti Bolognese.
"So how long do you want to stay here for?" She asks me.
"As long as you want me here." I reply, smiling. She nods and smiles.
"You can stay forever." She says. I almost burst into tears. Instead I blink them away and nod.
"Thank you," I manage to choke out, "it means a lot to me."
"It's no problem. We don't want you near your dad while all this is going on." I smile and nod and we finish dinner in silence.

When dinner's over, we go back up to Mac's room and put on another movie. Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl. I grab my pyjamas.
"I'm gonna go get changed." I tell him. He smirks at me. I roll my eyes. "In a different room." I laugh. He laughs with me and I slowly make my way on crutches to the guest room. When I come back in, Mac's smiling at his phone. I feel a twinge inside me as he lets out a small quiet laugh.
"Whatcha lookin' at?" I ask. He jumps a bit and then locks his phone.
"Nothing." He replies quickly.
"Really? It didn't look like nothing." I say. He raises his eyebrows at me.
"Believe me, it was nothing. Why are you so paranoid?"
"I don't want you forgetting about me if you get a girlfriend."
"I'm not going to forget about you." He pouts. "C'mere." He holds his arms open and I carefully make my way into his arms, placing the ice pack on my ankle. He hugs me tightly and we watch the movie.
"It's hard you know?" I say out of the blue.
"What do you mean?" Mac replies.
"Ryan being gone." I say.
"I don't know what it feels like, but I know it must be hard."
"I can't bare it."
"I understand." He hugs me tightly. Tears start falling down my cheeks. And soon enough I'm off on another crying session, only this one lasts around two hours. And yet again, Mac is there to hold me and wipe away my tears. When I close my eyes, all I see is Ryan laughing and smiling and joking around. Occasionally the scene of the car accident will flash up. All that's running though the back of my head is,
I can't bare it...