Graffiti Night

Just Let Him Go...

"I know where you stand, silent in the trees.
And that's where I am, silent in the trees.
Why won't you speak, where I happen to be?
Silent in the trees, standing cowardly." -Trees, Twenty One Pilots
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I stand in front of the full body mirror in Oli's apartment. I look at my black dress. It's elegant to say the most. I'm not really into dresses. It finishes just above the knee. It's the most skin I've shown in public for a while. My eyeliner is thick but not as usual. I'm wearing high heels, for gods sake! I stare at myself in the mirror. Oli stands behind me.
"You okay?" He asks. I take in a deep breath and nod as I release it.
"This is going to be hard." I say quietly.
"Yes, it will. But you'll be able to do it. I know you will. You have me there by your side every step of the way. Have you got your eulogy?" I nod again. He kisses me on the lips. And I kiss him back, not wanting it to end because he made me forget everything. He pulls away.
"Let's get going then." He says, taking my hand. I grab my clutch, a black jacket and the eulogy and we exit the apartment.

~•~

As Oli parks his car in a parking spot, I flip down the mirror and apply my black lipstick. I flip the visor back up and slump back in the seat.
"I don't think I can do this." I say. Oli cuts the ignition on the car and unclips his belt.
"I think you can. This is your time to say goodbye properly." I take deep breaths, tears pricking my eyes already.
"I made sure to put my waterproof eyeliner and mascara on today." I chuckle weakly. Oli laughs and kisses my cheek.
"Let's do this." He smiles softly. We get out and begin walking into AAMI Park. I see a big stage set up and rows of seats. Many of the seats have already been taken. I make my way to the front row where Mac's parents are sitting. There are two spare seats next to them that have mine and Oli's names on them. I take my seat next to Amanda and Sam. Amanda hugs me tightly, but before I can ask her if she's okay, she is in another conversation. I rest my head on Oli's shoulder and close my eyes tightly.

~•~

I watch as Mac's father walks off the stage after giving his speech proudly and strongly. He sits down and the priest thanks him for the loving words.
"Next, we will have some words from Mac's best friend who's mother described her as so close she is like a sister," I feel Amanda squeeze my hand, "Amber Brooks, could you please come up and give a eulogy for Mac." I stand up and walk onto the stage. I stand in front of the mic stand and look out over the crowd. There is at least 1500 people. They all knew him from his band. There are people standing up at the back because there aren't enough chairs. I take a shaky breath and speak.
"Mac was like a brother to me. He was there when things were horrible at home. He was there when things were fine at home." I pause. "He was always there. He was protective, always wanted to know what I was doing. He was cautious, always wanted to know who I was hanging out. He was caring, always made sure I was okay. He was loving, always made sure that I had someone to talk to. He was funny, always putting a smile on my face and making me laugh. But most of all, he was Mac. The boy who was crazy, wild, outgoing, loving, caring, funny, protective, trustworthy and any other word that describes his personality." I look up from my paper, my hands shaking. Everyone is quiet and watching me. A tear rolls down my cheek and I wipe it away. I continue. "I couldn't imagine a world without him. But all of a sudden I've had to adjust to that. A world without Mac Hastings. The boy who was my other brother.
"I don't know what the world was thinking when it ended his life. Sure Mac wasn't a saint, but is anyone? My answer is no. Sure you can do a few horrible things, but no one deserves death as a punishment. No one.
"Mac was one of those people who everyone loved. His personality proved that. I would trust him with my life. But unfortunately he's not here for me to tell him that. No. He is here, in spirit, just not in person. He will always be with us. Nobody forget that.
"Let me tell you something. Hearing that my best friend had killed himself through the news and not by his mum, that was something heart breaking and quite frankly, depressing. A gorgeous boy like him, felt so guilty of something he had done that he killed himself." I pause. Lots of people are crying. "Something that Mac once told me was that even though things might be bad and you feel like giving up, there is no reason to, because in order to get over it, you have to go through it. He lived by that. In order to get over it, you need to go through it. That's something everyone here has to do. Lots of people may not want to get over him, but it's better if you do. It's what he would want. So everyone has to go through this together in order to get over it." I wipe another tear that rolls down my cheek away and take a few deep breaths before continuing.
"This is something I never thought I'd be doing. Eulogising Mac at such a young age. Eighteen. He was eighteen and I'm saying goodbye for real. I used to never savour my goodbyes with Mac. It would always be a quick "bye" but now I want a really long goodbye. I was hoping I would get to say goodbye at least a million more time when I saw him everyday.
"The last thing that I did with Mac, was fight. And I yelled at him and said that I never wanted to see him again. I didn't even say goodbye." All of a sudden, I forget the crowd in front of me and talk to Mac. "But I didn't mean it literally, Mac. I want to see you again. I want to see you everyday for years and years to come. I want to say goodbye to your cheerful face. I want to feel your arms around me. I just want you back." I sob. I wipe the tears away from my face. I hear a wail in the crowd and everyone appears in front of me again.
"So, uh, Mac, if you're listening, everyone here is here for you. They love you. They miss you. I love you. I miss you. Rest in peace Mackenzie Hastings." I can't continue. I try but I can't. I had one more sentence to say and I can't get it out. I burst into tears and sink to my knees. I hear footsteps running up the stairs on the side of the stage and arms encircle me. I bury my face into who I know is Oli. He holds me tightly and I sob. He helps me up and I stay with my arms around him for while while I cry into his neck.
"It's okay, baby. I'm here. Shhh. Let's go sit back down." Oli whispers. I let him help me down the stairs and back to our seats." I nod and wipe the tears streaming down my face. We take our seats again and Amanda and Sam hug me tightly.
"Beautifully said." Amanda compliments.
"Now we have a song played by Mac's band, The Screaming Roses." The priest announces. The songs starts and unlike all the rest of there songs where they scream the lyrics, it's sung. Soft and sweet. Benji, the guy who does all the synth and keyboard stuff is amazing. George, the drummer is equally as good and the guitarist, Adam, plays some chords gently. The bass is gentle, played by James. Joel, who usual does the screaming in their songs, sings peacefully with a hint of desperation, much like Mac would. They sound amazing.