Graffiti Night

Still Right Beside Me... (Epilogue)

And she lays down on her bedroom floor
The chemicals that make her laugh
Don't seem to be working anymore
She tries her best, but it hurts her chest
And even though her son is gone
She'd like to love her child nevertheless

My hair is brown, she's scared to touch
And she just wants to feel something
And I don't think that's asking for too much
And when I go to sleep it's when she begins to weep

She's appalled by not loving me at all
She wears a frown and dressing gown
When she lays down

Well we got a plane, going to see my dad again
She prayed that we fell from the sky
Simply to alleviate the pain
Over the water, hmm
Over terrain
The engines all go bust, we turned to dust
And I've no reason to complain, yeah
And in the end, she chose cocaine
But it couldn't fix her brain

She's appalled oh she doesn't love me at all
She wears a frown and dressing gown
When she lays down - She Lays Down, The 1975

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

*2 years later*

2 years ago, my girlfriend died in front of me. I couldn't save her. She's dead because I couldn't save her. It's my fault I don't have her in my arms right now, our hands intertwined.
I look to my left at the alarm clock. 5:38 am. I sigh, sitting up, and swinging my legs over the edge of my bed. My feet hit the polished concrete floor of Amber's bedroom and the coldness makes me take a sharp breath in. The room is dark in the 5:30 am light. I look out the glass doors at the gloomy grey sky. I haven't once bothered to draw the blinds before I struggle to fall asleep each night, since that day. And I haven't once bothered to walk the extra 10 meters to my bedroom to struggle to sleep, since that day. Since that day I have woken up at 5:38 am every single morning because that was the time that I had to give up. I only get 6 hours of sleep each night, if I'm lucky. That day has given me more scars on my heart then on my wrists. I still find it difficult to believe that she's actually gone.
Josh has managed to move on. I guess she doesn't mean as much to him as she does to me. Of course not. He didn't love her. He didn't have her on his mind 24/7.
I still surf. But I never longboard anymore. The longboard sits in the corner of her room. I look at it. The wax is still on it and so is the dent where she dropped it on the stairs walking up from the beach.
I chuckle sadly to myself as I remember the look of shock mixed with guilt on her face. How her eyes had widened and her mouth formed an 'O' as she immediately looked up at me. I started laughing and and walked back down to her to give her the shortboard and I take the longboard. She had started laughing to, but not a real laugh, a nervous sort of giggle.
I smile to myself and shake my head. I stand and stretch, feeling my back cracking in 3 places. I look at the clock. 5:49 am. I sigh and shove my hand in the pockets of my dark grey trackies Amber used to always wear.
I still work at the local surf shop, I've covered all of Amber's shifts. Just thought it would give me something to take my mind off her. Which means I now work 8 hours a day. I surf every morning and every evening and whatever free day I have. My mates constantly try to cheer me up and get me in with another girl, but I can't do it. I can't be with another person until I'm completely over Amber. If that takes another 20 years then so be it.
Kit Kat moved to America. She Skypes me every once in a while to check up on me. She's still really shaken up about it but she seems to be okay. I hope she's okay and staying safe.
My parents rang a few days after I scattered Amber's ashes. They told me she's in a better place and I just needed to move on with life. Well, my mum said that anyway. My dad said that she wasn't in the right world. But he also said that I shouldn't try to forget about her. He said, "do something that she loved every single day, to honor her life. And say you love her every night before you go to bed." He then went on to say, "the nightmares won't be easy son, but remembering her will be. She was a good girl and she's still right beside you." I believe him. I remember feeling a chill on the right side of my body and looking to my right, only to see her sitting there. I know that people always say when someone you love dies, you hallucinate that you see them, but I swear she was there. I swear on my life. She was sitting right beside me, her left arm touching my right. She stared straight ahead, not blinking or saying a word. She had her favourtite white dress that she died in on. And she looked as beautiful as she did every day. Her blonde hair was wavy and sea tattered. My phone dropped out of my hand and clattered onto the floor. I got down on my knees in front of her, grabbing hold of her hands.
"Amber, look at me." I had said to her. She just stared at the far wall. "Amber, please baby. I miss you. I need you, more than I have ever needed anyone before. I can't go on without you." She didn't blink.
"Amber," I paused, "Can you hear me? Can you even see me? Blink, squeeze my hands in response. Give me a sign that you know I'm here." She blinked and I remember going to pull her into a hug but then she stood up and walked up to her bedroom. I had followed her, staying a meter behind. She closed her bedroom door. I knocked on it and then entered. The room was empty. I pulled her bed covers off hoping she was hiding under there waiting to jump out at me. I ran into her en-suite hoping to find her brushing her hair or putting on light make-up. but she wasn't anywhere to be seen. Tears fell down my face and onto the polished concrete floor. I picked up her doona and sheet and made her bed neatly.
That's when Josh had come stumbling in, so drunk he nearly forgot who I was. He pointed at me, supporting himself on the doorway.
"Have you seen Amber?" He had asked me. "I need to tell her something hilarious." He fell into hysterics and clutched his stomach.
"Josh," I began sadly. His laughing died down and he looked at me as the smile dropped off his face. "Amber passed away. Remember?" He shook his head and his eyes watered. A tear slid down his cheek and he sank to the floor, sobbing. I crouched down beside him and hugged him.
"What happened?" He asked.
"You actually don't remember?" I replied. He looked at me for a moment before dropping his head.
"We watched her die right in front of us." He finally choked out. I nodded and stood up.
"Go to bed. I'll bring you some water and panadol." I told him. He pulled himself to his feet and stumbled to his room, crying. I sighed and wiped my tears away. I turned and faced Amber's room. I looked everywhere, making sure she wasn't watching me from one of her secret hiding places. She was no where to be seen. I wiped my tears away once more and closed the door.

So now I see her occasionally. Sometimes in crowds, standing at the curb waiting to cross the road, sitting by herself at a cafe reading, in an alleyway graffiting. Everywhere. Everyone always tells me it's not my fault, and now that I think about it, maybe it isn't. I had tried to save her and it's not my fault that she felt so sad. I tried my best to cheer her up and I did, I know I did. It was just Oli's death that finally pushed her over the edge. I know that she lived a okay life, she had Oli loving her and then me. She had so many people in her life loving her, she just didn't realise it when she needed to most.
But this era of the world wasn't right for. It wasn't the right time for her. And I'm not going to hold that against myself anymore. I love her and I always will, and I will let her go properly when I'm ready.

2 years ago, my girlfriend died of depression. I couldn't save her but I tried my hardest. She's dead because she was dealing with depression. It isn't my fault our bodies aren't intertwined right now.

She is still right beside me...

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

Suh,

So that's officially the end of Graffiti Love. It's a really depressing but I guess kinda happy because James accepted that it's not his fault!

I hope you all enjoyed the book and please, if you have the time, write any suggestions you have that may improve this book, or me as a writer.

I appreciate and love all of you. Please check out my other books :)