Lure of the Monster

Rehab

I sat in the parking garage, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly, for almost an hour, before I got out of the car. I pulled up the floor mat and took out the drugs that I had stashed there the previous morning, shoving them into my pocket as I slung my backpack over my shoulder and locked the car, looking at it for a minute, before I turned and walked towards the stairs.

I slowly descended the stairs, my hands shoved deep into my pockets, one hand curled around the bags within them. I took a deep breath when I reached the bottom and reached out and opened the door to the sidewalk. I crossed the driveway to the facility and walked to the front door, ringing the buzzer and stepping back into view of the camera, staring at the snow as it lightly fell.

A woman asked me to state my business and I had to think for a moment about what my reply should be. I'd been too fucked up the last time to remember how I was checked into the facility. I took a deep breath.

"I just went through detox the past few days and I need to be somewhere that will help me stay sober," I said finally. "And I'm HIV positive."

She buzzed me in and I stepped into the warm lobby. I remembered from one of my literature classes that the color yellow is supposed to be a happy color. I thought that was bullshit. It reminded me of an Easter egg.

"Can I help you?" an older woman asked from the desk in front of me.

I swallowed hard and forced myself to walk towards her, taking my hand out of my pocket and putting the bags on the counter in front of her. "I hope so."

She looked at the bags before up at me. "Let's get you checked in."

I nodded as she motioned for a nurse to take me in the back. I sat on a plastic chair and filled out paperwork, my legs bouncing as I tried to remember the information that once had been second nature. As I did so, the nurse took my vitals, making small talk about the weather.

I handed her the clipboard. "I filled in what I can remember."

She nodded, looking down at the information. Her eyes scanned my medical history, not changing as she read that I was HIV positive. They probably saw more cases than I thought they did. She glanced over the different substances I'd used before she left the room and changed places with a male nurse. He instructed me to stand and to change into the stack of clothes that he handed me. Grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. Standard hospital socks.

I slowly changed out of my clothes and carefully slipped my sock off. He handed me a plastic bag to put the pills into. I cringed as I dropped them into the bag and closed it, handing it back to him. I quickly changed into the clothes and handed him my backpack so that they could go through it to make sure I wasn't bringing anything else in.

He led me down a quiet, white hallway to a room. A single for now. He briefly explained the schedule for the next day and what to expect. I didn't need him to, though. I could remember all of the therapy sessions as they tried to determine my course of treatment. Really, they were trying to determine how much work it would take to save me, and last time I hadn't wanted to be saved. I think that they realized that early on and none of us fought too hard for me to make progress at that time.

He left me alone and I curled up on the twin bed, staring at the wall as I pulled the coarse blanket over me. Maybe they would call Jane and tell her where I was so that she wouldn't worry. Maybe she would come to visit me and bring me things to make me feel more comfortable like she did last time.

Or, maybe, she would realize that I wasn't worth the fight and cut me off completely. That's what I would have done. I'd put her and everyone else through enough hell. I was doing this for me this time. I acknowledged the bridges I'd burnt and I knew that some of them would be next to impossible to repair. I needed to try, though, for myself. I needed to make amends for what my father had done. I wasn't the only one that he had hurt and acknowledging that was one step in the right direction.