Lure of the Monster

Detox

I woke up at about three in the afternoon, feeling hot and cold at the same time. My body was shivering despite all the blankets piled on me. My stomach churned, my brain going a million miles a minute as it craved drugs and was trying to piece together where and how to get it. I squeezed my eyes shut, wrapping my arms tightly around myself as I tried to block out the thoughts, but it felt like someone was clawing out my insides.

I groaned, feeling someone put a cloth against my forehead, but I thrust off all the blankets and the cloth, suddenly feeling like I was suffocating.

Someone's hand gripped mine tightly.

For the next several hours, faces and voices invaded my mind. I didn't know who they were. I could never see their faces clearly. They were blurred, like a picture that wasn't fully developed. The voices were always whispered. I shouted at them, begging for them to tell me what they wanted or to go away.

I puked up everything and anything that was in my system, dry heaving as my eyes watered and my nose constantly ran. My teeth chattered. My body shook. Nothing made sense. I couldn't keep anything down, even the little bit of sports drink that I managed to drink while I was somewhat lucid.

My mind raced through everything. The time, Chance, my dad, my mom, Chris, Nick, my car, school, Noah, Jane, Alex, the facility, getting high, beating people up, going to the hospital, and so many other things that didn't make any sense.

I clawed at the people who were within reach, begging for them to put me out of my misery. I needed them to give me drugs. I needed them to end me. I just needed them to do something to make it all end.

I tore at the blankets, pulling them off the bed and onto the floor. I writhed on the bed, falling off it and cursing at everything that caused me to do that. I shouted profanities at Alex, at Jane, at Noah. I screamed them at Chance, at Chris, at my father. Anyone who crossed my mind, I damned them to hell. Called them whatever names came to mind or whatever curse words I could think of even if none of it made sense.

I pulled my shirt and the shorts off, pouring water on my body because I was so hot. Everything was hot. The bed. The floor. Anything I touched. It was just so damn hot. I pawed at the window for it to be opened, but that didn't work. I lay in front of a fan, my chest heaving, but it didn't work. Even ice wrapped in a towel didn't work.

I scratched at my body, not caring when I reopened the wound on my arm. I fought against whoever tried to put a new dressing on it. I fought against the two people who restrained me so that the dressing could be changed. I fought against someone who tried to stop me from picking up a piece of glass from my phone screen after I smashed it on the floor, trying to use the glass to slit my wrists as tears streamed down my face.

Eventually I ran out of fight. I lay on the floor, shivering and covered in sweat as my body finally gave up. I stared at the ceiling; my breathing still quick as I recovered from the stress that my body had just endured. My mind still wasn't comprehending the voices or the faces that came in and out of the room. I didn't fight as two people helped me to the bathroom, one leaving and one staying to clean me up.

I didn't fight as I leaned heavily on that person to help me back to the bedroom that had been cleaned up. The sheets had been changed. The smell of disinfectant was strong, making my stomach churn, but there wasn't anything left to vomit.

I lay on the bed on my side, staring at the wall. My mind was still craving drugs, but my body was no longer. I felt numb other than the screaming in my head for drugs. There were murmurs in the room, but I didn't acknowledge them.

Jane got my attention long enough to say that she had left some broth, but I didn't want it. The thought of eating made my stomach churn.

I stayed curled up in a ball, staring at the wall as people came and went. It felt like everything had come to a stop as I lay there. I didn't know how much time had passed. Hours? Days? I knew that the world kept going, but I didn't have the strength to move. I closed my eyes, a soft groan escaping my lips, my mind wondering if it had been worth it after all.