I want to live. I want to love. I think I am ready.

ready to live, to love

D E A N

«Hey Dean?!"» Sam calls after him as he catches up with him in the hall, as Dean is about to enter his bedroom, «I... I need to talk to you about something.»

«Yeah?»

«I just...» Sam looks around, clearly something bothering him.

«What is it, Sammy?» Dean asks concerned.

«Just... when we are gone... If there is a case about vampires, or a wierd case with kids missing and stuff... don't go.» Sam looks to the floor, no wanting to meet his brothers eyes.

«What do you mean?»

«I just... just promise me. Don't go on a hunt while I'm gone.» He finally meets Deans eyes, and Dean is almost shocked by the fear he can see in them.

«Did... something happen?»

«No. Dean, it's just a bad feeling that something will go wrong if you go alone. Just don't, okay? I don't know how to explain it, it's a wierd feeling I got. But please, trust me. Promise you won't go.»

«You're kinda scaring me, Sammy.» Dean can feel the fear creeping up his spine, a wierd feeling takes hold, as if he knows what his brother means. A hunt that could go wrong. A hunt that will go wrong, if he goes. Dean can't explain it either, but it's written in Sam's eyes. It feels so real that Dean promises his brother, «I won't go hunting while you're away, I promise.»

«Good. Okay. Thanks.» Sam is about to turn after having studied Deans eyes for a moment, when he stops at Deans next words.

«I won't go anywhere until he's back, Sammy. I won't give up on him. Nothing else matters right now. I don't care shit about hunting anymore. He is what matters now.»

«I know. I know, Dean.» He smiles sadly at his big brother. He knows too well the pain of loosing someone you love. Dean just isn't sure about what kind of love Sam thinks he has lost. With a whisper his brother adds under his breath, «I've always known.»

Dean realizes he might even know better than Dean himself, because Sam is the one who has watched Dean lose Cas before. They have both lost Cas, but as Dean has lost Cas, Sam has lost both Cas and Dean. Sam is the one who has been left watching his brother's heart and soul die, as Dean lost Cas.

The thought scares the crap out of Dean, because with it, he realizes how much his brother sees. Not just what's going on in front of him. But everything, Sam sees everything. Which makes his request too real. And he gets it. Dean and Sam lost Cas, but Sam is slowly loosing his brother too. The realization makes Dean speak with more honesty than he has in a long time.

«I'm not going anywhere, Sam. Im not going hunting. I'm getting Cas back. And I might not go hunting after that either.» He shocks even himself with the words, but as Dean studies his brother, he can see that Sam both understands, but also has been expecting his next words. «I think it's great what you are doing with the young hunters. And I really want you to keep on going, I admire everything you and Eileen are doing. But I think I'm done. I think I want to take a step back. Watch you shine. Watch you save the family business. But I'm done.»

With an encouraging smile from his brother, Dean surprises himself even more as he pours his heart out.

«This is my last case, at least for a while. I'm getting my... I'm getting Cas back. And after that... I don't know what he wants to do, hell I don't even know if he'll stay. But if he wants me to, I'll follow him anywhere. But the hunting? I think I'm done. I wanna live. I wanna love... I wanna start loving my life» Dean almost can't believe how honest he is. How he pours his heart out as if his feelings were a water escaping from a dam that just broke. «Of course I'll stay here, this is our home. But I wanna get a job, maybe some time in the future when this place is crawling with hunters, I might get my own place. Maybe I'll join you on a ghost hunt, a god old fashioned salt-and-burn. But you are the hunter, you are the one who wants to grow this community, and I'll stay beside you and Eileen for as long as you need me, but the hunting? I'm gonna leave that to you.»